Admiral of My Ass
by Burningbridges
Summary: Weird title... A young woman named Val accidentally ends up at Superjail, and for some reason, the Warden "takes her in" and forces her to work for him as a Human Resources person. Watch as Val tries to get out of a virtually inescapeable prison.
1. I Don't Want to Know

_I started writing this back in early October for DeviantArt (they didn't have a category for this on here back then D: ) and I almost decided not to post it here – which is almost blasphemy to someone who's been using this site as long as I have – but I finally decided I would, 'cause I haven't updated anything on here in months. As far as I can tell, I was probably the first person to post fanfiction for Superjail on DeviantArt – how crazy is that?_

_This story may not be as good as some of my Resident Evil fanfiction (a few of them are very well read, so I must be doing something right… And my serious-writer friends worship the way I write scene descriptions for some reason…), but I enjoy working on this to no end and I haven't been able to say that about fanfiction in a long while. The comments on DeviantArt have slowed a little, but I have a fan-following that grows by the week. So even though I'm self-critical about my work, people like something about it._

_Also, while I'm thinking about it, the title is from a quote this guy I went to school with said in middle school – originally, I'd planned on calling it "There's No Escape" (from another of my friend's quotes in middle school – maybe I will write a story with that name), but I didn't think that would catch people's attention on DeviantArt, so I did the other one, and people seem to be drawn to it. O_o I have yet to explain what it means, though._

------------

Admiral of My Ass

By Burning Bridges

Chapter One: I Don't Want to Know

Jacknife was quickly pocketing anything that looked valuable from the home he'd broken into. Everything was quiet so he figured it was safe, until there was a shout of 'Yo, asshole'. He turned to see that the owner had returned without warning, and was opening the door to the basement.

He looked around for something to use as a weapon and grabbed the closest thing he could find – the homeowner's pet turtle. He chucked it, laughing when the poor creature nailed the guy right in the head, causing him to fall sideways and splatter his brains all over the kitchen counter.

He hastily continued his work… that is, until there was a low, guttural sound to his left. The basement door was open, and in the doorway stood a great big dog the size of a small horse, most likely a cross between an Afghan Hound and a German Shepherd. Its lips were drawn back into a full snarl, and drool was beginning to pool on the floor. He didn't wait around to see what it would do, he just ran the hell out of that house as fast as he could, the dog following after him.

They ran down the street, dog in hot pursuit of criminal, heading towards the nearby river. Looking back over his should to see how close the dog was, he didn't realize he was about to collide with something.

There had been a young woman standing on the ledge by the river, watching the sun begin to drop farther and farther below it's azimuth and drinking from a bottle of Jamaican unproofed Rum. She was singing absentmindedly, unaware of the commotion behind her.

"I wanna find something I've wanted all along, somewhere I belong - "

And then she got bowled over into the river by none other than Jacknife, who fell in as well. The dog sat on the ledge, watching the scene that followed with interest.

"What's the big idea, fuckface?! Watch where you're fucking going!" she shouted, punching him in the face.

Taken aback, he didn't have enough time to react before she basically started to attack him in the shoulder-deep water. What a bitch!

Rather than fight back, he attempted to back away, but she wouldn't back off. Too absorbed in what was happening to pay attention, they waded into an area where old fishing equipment tended to accumulate. This chick was either totally messed up or drunk, and she wouldn't quit pounding on Jacknife, who was becoming increasingly aware of something tightening around his ankle. She went to take a step towards him and suddenly fell forward, knocking Jacknife into the water.

They splashed around in the water, attempting to gain a foothold, but they were both tangled up in a fishnet, and the more they fought it, the more the net twisted tighter and tighter. Before they knew it, they were tied together in the net, back-to-back, and barely able to keep their heads above water. The girl then passed out cold, and left him on his own, trying to keep from drowning. That's when Jacknife spotted a familiar and, exceedingly unwelcome, guest – Jailbot.

Unable to move, they just sat there as Jailbot grabbed the net and hauled them off.

Considering how many strange lands they passed over, the trip actually didn't take terribly long, though it was nonetheless disturbing. As soon as they passed through the very, VERY weird clouds, Jacknife knew the hell was about to begin all over again. The girl, on the other hand, was still out cold and oblivious to where they were about to find themselves – lucky bitch.

The Warden was sitting in his office, bored out of his mind, and complaining to Jared about it.

"I don't know what it is, Jared," he sighed, "Lately I feel empty, lackluster and morose."

"Perhaps you just need a change of pace," Jared suggested, a bit more concerned with work at the moment, "Now, Warden - "

It was right then that Jailbot came in, carrying an unconscious girl.

"Ooh, who's this?" the Warden asked, suddenly sounding very excited.

Alice entered. "This one was found with a repeat offender that was apprehended earlier. As far as we can tell, she has a clean record."

The Warden observed the girl carefully. She was young, probably late teens-early twenties, with a virtual mane of brunette hair that was still wet from her earlier dip in the river. She was dressed like a punk, wearing tall black boots with straps on them and several studded wristbands of varying colors and materials on each arm up to her elbows. The moment he saw her, he knew he'd like her.

"Any other info about her?" he asked, and Alice handed him some papers.

"What should we do with her?" Alice questioned gruffly.

The Warden smiled in that cheesy way he did when he had a bad plan. "Why, hire her, of course!"

"But, sir, you can't hire just anybody!" Jared said, his tone quickly sounding anxious.

"I'm the Warden, aren't I?" he replied with his usual level of cheerfulness. "You were right; all I needed was a change of pace and this is the perfect thing!"

"That really wasn't what I had in mind, but, at any rate, what if she doesn't want to work here?"

"Then - " the Warden drew out the word, thinking quickly, "We keep her anyway!"

"Err… How do you mean? Like a pet?" Jared asked, one eyebrow raised in a somewhat disturbed expression.

"Sure, why not?"

"Well - " Before he could continue, the girl moaned, raising a hand to her head and looking around groggily.

"Look who's finally awake!" the Warden said happily, and the girl looked at him, blinking repeatedly.

"Um, Willy Wonka?"

"Oh, bless her heart, she's all discombobulated!"

Her expression became more and more wrought with confusion. "Where the hell am I? And why is there a robot holding me?"

"Welcome to Superjail, Valerie," the Warden greeted, reading her name off one paper, and she stared at him.

"You mean as in prison? What am I doing here? Is it because I was going to commit suicide?" she sounded genuinely frightened now.

"Part of it," the Warden responded slyly, then motioned to the papers in his hand. "See these drugs test results? You've tested positive for opiates."

"Uh… How did you do a – never mind," she said, deciding she'd rather not know who did what and when. "It's a false positive. I ate a lot of poppy seeds this morning."

"Any proof? Anyone who can back that up?"

"… No, but - "

His smile widened. "Did you know that your blood alcohol level was several times over the legal limit? Not to mention, you were drinking in public."

"I guess I drank more than I realized… I've had a lot weighing on me for a long time… Broken-hearted and all that…" she murmured more to herself than anyone else. "I just want to go home."

"Oh, we can't let you do that," the Warden said, "I'm willing to make you an offer; you can remain here and work for me, or you can stay as a prisoner. The choice is yours." That was his idea of pitching a job offer?

"You have to be fucking kidding me," she said, noticeably bothered by where this was going.

"I'll make you a deal. You can either stay here where we'll take _good_ care of you," the way he said 'good' would have given Stalin chills, "Or you can try to leave Superjail on your own. But if you choose the latter option, we will do everything in our power to stop your escape. And I mean everything."

She just looked at him wordlessly, seemingly questioning the likelihood that this could be some sort of really bizarre dream.

"I'll give you some time to think it over. Feel free to wander about," he said with his most charming smile.

Jailbot set her down gently, and she stood there for a moment, obviously considering her options and then slowly exiting the office.

"Alice, Jailbot, you know what to do," the Warden said, and they both left a moment after.

"Sir," Jared said, breaking the brief silence, "Why is it so important that we keep her here?"

"She needs someone to look after her, so she doesn't kill herself!" he said overly cheerfully, "Plus, she reminds me of me!"

"I'm not sure I see the similarity, sir."

"A connecting principle, linked to the invisible, almost imperceptible, something inexpressible, science insusceptible," the Warden replied, quoting "Synchronicity" by The Police.

"You just lost me."

Meanwhile, Valerie was looking for any way outside she could find. She really wasn't sure what to do at this point – logically, it seemed pointless to try to slip off without being noticed, but at the same time, her natural instincts were screaming to get a fucking move on already.

"What is it Billy Joel says?" she asked herself aloud, "'Don't wait for answers, just take your chances. Don't ask me why' – well, that's good enough for me."

Much to her surprise, there was a nearby door labeled 'Outside Exit', which seemed rather stupidly unprotected… then again, this place was kind of screwy… but she was going to stay on the cautious side just in case.

She opened the door as carefully as could be, peering around the corner, and then swinging it open. Indeed, it was the outside, and she had a clear view across what appeared to be a meadow leading to a rocky outlet and a beach. She wasn't sure where she was, seeing as the door seemed to be set in the side of a cliff or something. Beyond the meadow was water as far as the eye could see, and behind her rose the rocky side of what appeared to be a mountain of lava rock.

"This is a volcano?" she said.

It looked like she was home free, but there had to be some sort of a catch to this, though… That or the Warden was a complete retard with very little or no foresight.

Gingerly taking a few steps into the dim light of the sinking sun, she looked around, suddenly noticing odd-looking creatures milling around. They appeared to be sheep , but they were acting rather differently than sheep; they were beginning to creep closer to her, almost in a hunting formation…

"I don't like this, this is waaay beyond weird," she said, and a rustle to her right alerted her to the presence of what at first appeared as a normal everyday Ewe – except for the fact it was baring razor-sharp, dagger-like teeth at her.

"Oh holy hell!" she barely squeaked, running as fast as she could towards the water and praying these things couldn't swim.

Surprisingly, the weird creatures didn't pursue, which was, in of itself, troubling. If they wanted to attack, they'd either follow or ambush.

She slowed down, catching her breath. She was only halfway through the meadow and there were patches of tall grass up ahead, which made her nervous, and with good reason.

Just as she went to pass between two of the tall grass patches, what looked almost like an Oryx stepped into her path. At least, it looked like an Oryx in a way.

It was probably close to five feet tall at the shoulder, which, being a little under six feet herself, placed it's head slightly higher than hers. It had the markings of an Oryx, but its body was a little more muscled, almost like a moose. It had a longer than normal face that was almost pointed, and its horns, which should have been long and curved back slightly, were sawed off halfway down. Growing out of its lower jaw were two tusks that were long and pointed back towards the animal's face, serving no apparent purpose. Its mouth was drawn back into a sneer, it's rows of fangs glinting in what light still peered over the horizon. It stepped towards her, making an ungodly sound like a cross between braying and the call of an Elk during mating season.

She did the only thing she could think to – run like hell. Unlike the other things, this freak of nature did give chase. She tried desperately to lose it, running back the way she came and then looping back around, racing toward the water and wishing a boulder would land on this thing.

The shore was coming closer and closer now, and she figured if she could get into the water she might be safe. The tide had started to rush in, so she had less of a ways to run. As soon as her feet made contact with the sand, she became aware that the thing was right behind her, and she knew that it was probably going to follow her anywhere she went.

Then, in a totally unexpected event as soon as she got near the water, an Orca whale came out of the water and snagged the Oryx, dragging it back into the sea.

Valerie staggered back up onto the sand, breathing heavily. "Oh, thank God for that… Never saw that one coming."

She looked around, not seeing anything useful right away until – why was there a rowboat there?

She shrugged to herself. "Well, it's now or never."

She drug the boat down to the water, pushing off and hopping in as it began to float away. Sitting back, she heaved a heavy sigh. "What a hell hole."

Feeling sort of relaxed momentarily, she began to sing. "Devil and the deep blue sea behind me, vanish in the air, you'll never find me…"

Of course, she spoke too soon, because just then Jailbot caught up with her.

There was a sound that was said to have echoed across the complex, reaching the furthest depths of Superjail. "FFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKK!"

--------

_Poor Valerie. Haha, I love that name, Valerie. I named her after "Valerie" by Steve Winwood, since that's my favorite of his songs. The reason that Val is never physically described (I've done a couple pics of how I imagine her on my DeviantArt, though – .deviantart(dot)com) and we don't know much about her life is because I wanted the reader to be able to step into her shoes, so to speak. It's also one of my favorite literary devices, but mostly it's so people can relate to her. I do, even though she's more of a bitch than me and I have some personality traits you would not want a hostage to have lol. I've always wondered how other people picture her looking, actually… I should, like, set up and experiment, or something…_

_I might re-visit that Oryx thing in the future… That was oddly fun to write about…_

_Hope you enjoyed the chapter! I've got five more to post!_


	2. The Bitch

_Okay, in this chapter Alice's intense hatred of Val begins – but I won't say how. You'll have to read on lol. It continues to deepen throughout the next four chapters, and the situation gets pretty tense at some point. _

_Jared and Jailbot have somewhat minimal roles at this point, but they come into play more in the next few chapters – and more so later on, I just don't have those two chapters typed up yet._

_-------_

Chapter Two: The Bitch

"Well, that sounded bad…" Jared said, looking toward the window nervously.

Having heard the unmistakable screaming a few moments before, the Warden clicked the toes of his shoes together happily, wearing a big smile.

Valerie walked in, completely soaked, followed by a seemingly pleased Jailbot.

"Welcome back," the Warden said, and she attempted to glare at him, but her expression was deeply offset by a profound sense of trepidation and despondency. "Did you have fun?"

"I had an underwater wrestling match with a machine. That's not terribly fun in my book. Not to mention the killer sheep and the other thing."

He laughed lightheartedly. "Have you made your decision?"

His self-satisfaction was apparent in the tone of his voice – he had her in the palm of his hand and he knew it.

"If you would take someone hostage and treat them like prisoners to get them to work for you, I'd hate to find out firsthand how you treat actual prisoners…"

"There's nothing wrong with how we treat the prisoners," the Warden said in a hurt tone.

Obviously unimpressed, she continued. "I accept your offer to work here – against my will, I might add."

"Wonderful!" the Warden exclaimed with a level of cheer that Mr. Rogers could have only attained by doing LSD, nearly giving Jared a heart attack.

"So, what am I doing?" she said so unenthusiastically that she could have made Barney the Big Purple Dinosaur cry.

"Well," the Warden said thoughtfully, "What past job experience do you have?"

"I worked in the medical field and with animals. That's about it. But I should tell you, there's no way I'm dealing with those mutant creatures you have here, and I can't be around blood."

"I've got it!" the Warden snapped his fingers, "You'll be Superjail's HR person!"

"Human Resources? You mean I have to deal with disgruntled people all the time? Oh yeah, I won't get killed doing that in a prison," she said, and he waved his hand dismissively.

"Nonsense! Just show the prisoners who's boss and you'll be fine!"

She didn't seem so thrilled, even with his encouragement.

Just then, Alice joined them.

"Ah, Alice, there you are," the Warden said, "Val, Auntie Alice will help you get situated. Isn't that right, Alice?"

"Whatever," she replied.

"And then Unckie Warden and Uncle Jared will show you around!"

"Uh, I'm not five, you know," Valerie muttered, irritated by the whole uncle/aunt thing.

"Let's go, kid," Alice said acerbically, placing a hand on Val's shoulder firmly.

"I am not a kid," Val replied indignantly, then glancing sideways at Alice and adding under her breath, "Androgyny at it's most terrifying."

Alice tightened her grip on the girl's shoulder threateningly.

"Ow, okay, okay! I'm coming already."

They walked out together, and the Warden smiled. "This is the start of something good, don't you agree, Jared?"

"If you say so," he replied, having his misgivings about this whole thing.

A little while later…

"What kind of HR person would wear this to work?? I look like some kind of back street pimpette."

Alice had helped Val change into a dry pair of clothes "more appropriate to the work environment". How appropriate they really were was rather ambiguous, though, seeing as the ensemble consisted of a black sweater jacket with a fluffy leopard-print collar, a black shirt that said 'Bitch' in fancy red lettering with long red sleeves, and a beige and red plaid miniskirt. She looked herself over as she fastened her studded belt loosely enough that it hung down over her left hip at an angle, and pulled her sleeves up so her wristbands were visible.

"I really don't want to know where you got these clothes from," she said, doubting that the hulking redhead would dress quite this way under any circumstances.

Alice didn't respond, just stood there and watched her with her usual sour expression.

"Well, anything else?"

"Follow me," Alice said, waiting until the girl was right beside her before starting to walk, so that she could keep an eye on her.

"Wow, either she's a transsexual, has a high level of testosterone or has been a chain-smoker since she was a kid," Val murmured to herself, not realizing that she'd said it a little too loudly.

Alice got right up in her face, tempted to act upon her normal impulses, but choosing to temporarily spare this one any physical harm. "You better watch yourself. You might be my coworker and the Warden's flunky, but that won't stop me from tearing you apart."

"Okay, I'm sorry, I'll shut up!" Val said fearfully, and Alice backed off. She fell into step beside the supposedly female Adonis, muttering to herself. "I'm not a flunky, asshole."

Alice glared at her, and she laughed timidly.

Meanwhile…

The Warden and Jared were coming out of the office when Val suddenly came running down the hall, screaming bloody murder.

"Valerie, what's wrong?" the Warden asked, and she dove behind him.

"You have to protect me – Alice is trying to kill me!"

He frowned at the statement and then quickly smiled at her. "Nonsense! Auntie Alice wouldn't do that to you."

Alice came walking around the corner, looking as disgruntled as ever.

"EEK!" Val grabbed the Warden by the shoulders, yanking him in front of herself like a human shield. "If you want to kill me, you'll have to go through him first!"

"Alice, what's going on?" the Warden asked, glancing at the petrified Val.

"We were just playing a friendly game of tag," Alice said in her normal monotone.

"Now that's the spirit," he said happily, "See, Val? What did I tell you?"

"Well…" Val said quietly, looking at Alice who glared at her, and squeaked in fright, hiding behind the Warden. "I hate this place more and more by the second."

-------

_Now wouldn't you love to have a wicked step-aunt who wanted to kill you most of the time? Lol._

_The Warden as an uncle is a thought that still profoundly disturbs me, even after working on this story for months. It's just so… creepy… And he's one of those "creepy uncles", too, you know, the ones people warn you about? It's kind of funny the way he acts so fatherly, though – unless your Val, because I've had people do that to me and it's seriously annoying._

_Well, time for the next chapter! Hope you liked this one!_


	3. Weird Scenes Inside the Gold Mine

_In this chapter, we bear witness to Val's next escape plan. The scene that takes place in the mine didn't really come out the way I had hoped, but I still had fun writing the eerie descriptions. Don't ask me what the things that live down there are; I'm not sure what I was going for._

_Also, the 'post-wartime tune' __that's mentioned shortly is "Der Fuhrer's Face" by Spike Jones, and very funny song from the 40s that makes fun of the Nazis, and at one point seems to suggest they're all very "super-duper", if you catch my drift. And the chapter title is actually the name of a Doors album, as well as a line from "The End" – it seemed strangely appropriate. n_n_

----------

Chapter Three: Weird Scenes Inside the Gold Mine

"You'll come to love it!" he reassured, putting an arm around her and leading her down the hall, Jared following along.

"Yeah, maybe when Jim Henson comes back to life, takes over and makes this place into Muppet Theater."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," he shook his head, "Superjail is no place for pessimism."

"Have you looked around lately?"

They were passing through an area where prisoners were milling around aimlessly, giving her a rather disconcerting collective look that she wasn't sure how to interpret – but she knew it most likely wasn't good.

"Ugh, and I'm supposed to talk to these people on a daily basis?" she whispered to herself, rolling her eyes. That's when something she never expected to happen occurred.

"Val? What are you doing here?" said a familiar voice from nearby, and she looked over.

"Oh God… Darryl? What are you – you know what, never mind. Knowing you, you're here for a very good reason."

"Run into an old friend?" the Warden asked Val.

"Worse. An old boyfriend," she gave Darryl a dirty look.

They looked each other over. "I see you're still a satanic neo-Nazi," she said flatly.

The weird guy took on an amused tone. "Remember how I wanted you to be more like me?"

"Oh sure, like I'd ever be Nazi garbage like you. Dream on, 'superman'."

"Ja, ve is the supermen, super-duper supermen!" the Warden sang, doing a dance.

"Yeah… Great rendition of a post-wartime tune," Val said, giving him an odd look.

"Why don't we leave you two alone for a while, so you can catch up?" the Warden smiled suggestively.

"Is that really a good idea, sir?" Jared questioned, and he pulled him down the hall.

"Come along, Jared," he said in a singsong tone.

"Don't leave me alone with this freak! He bites!!" Val shouted, but not getting a response. She sighed heavily, and Darryl smiled at her.

"So, why are you here?"

"I'm a hostage. I have no plans to stay here, either. Maybe you could help me."

"Does that mean what I hope it means?"

"No! Jeez, why do I bother trying to get help from a perverted bastard like you?" she started to walk away, and he grabbed her by the arm.

"Wait, what is it? How can I help?"

"Don't say it like that. You sound desperate for human contact."

"I'm desperate for your contact."

"Man, I swear, keep it up and I'll tell the Warden you were harassing me."

He laughed. "What can I help you with?"

"Do you know any ways out of here?"

"I've heard some rumors," he said, "But I've never confirmed any of them."

"Well? Tell me already – if I don't come back, maybe one of them was a valid tip."

"Or you're dead, since this place is essentially a giant death-trap." She stared at him like she was about to bash his head in, and he chuckled. "Okay, there's a few things I've heard…"

A little while later…

The Warden and Jared were coming back the way they came to go find Val, when they spotted her up ahead. She had Darryl's long black hair grasped tightly in her hand, apparently trying to rip it out of his head.

"I said no touching! That means you keep your hands off, you moron!"

"Aww, they're having a lover's spat," the Warden said, and Jared gave him an uncertain look.

"I'm not so sure, sir. It seems more like she's trying to kill him."

"Now get lost!" she screamed at him, meriting stares from everyone else in the vicinity, and he slunk off, still smiling like the blithering idiot he was. She was joined by the Warden and Jared, which didn't seem to thrill her. "Great, as if I really wanted to see any of you again so soon."

"Cheer up, Val, we're going to show you around a bit!" the Warden said cheerfully.

"Oh, hallelujah," she replied.

"So, any chance of you two getting together again?" he nodded in the direction Darryl had gone.

"Uh, no, I hate his guts. Besides, when I fell in love, I turned my back on all other people."

"Hm, I could fix you up," he suggested, and she scoffed.

"God, I hate you."

Sometime later…

After a very long, not to mention horribly disturbing, tour around Superjail, the Warden suggested that Val explore a bit to get herself acquainted with her surroundings. Of course, she had no intention of doing that whatsoever.

Of the possible escape routes Darryl had described, only one sounded remotely safe. And Val wasn't about to waste any time standing around.

He had described an inconspicuous entrance somewhere that was only recognizable by a long scratch running across the clean steel surface, that led down into a mine abandoned for unknown reasons. For that matter, no one seemed to know what they'd been mining for down there either.

She found the door, like the last one, unprotected by anything outwardly noticeable, quickly making sure no one was around and then slipping into the dark passage beyond.

The air was very cold, and besides a lone light bulb swinging back and forth from some sort of electrical cord drawn through a hole in the ceiling, there was very little light. There were some sort of long rectangular lights hanging from hooks on the wall, and taking one down, she turned it on, illuminating the area in a blue-purple glow.

"Heh, an ultraviolet light. Why would they need these?"

Figuring a UV light was better than none, she slowly began to walk along the path, her footsteps echoing off the cold stone walls. She could hear the soft trickle of flowing water getting closer as she walked, knowing it was most likely running through trenches along the path where miners drained the lizard during their work.

"What were they looking for down here?" she asked, and as if to answer her question, the walls suddenly lit up in fluorescent shades of green, red and blue.

She looked around in awe, the rock all around casting an eerie glow all along the path. "Was that what they were after?"

Moving ahead a bit, the walls became mostly blue, making her feel almost like she was in an aquarium at night. "I wonder why they stopped mining… These rocks are worth a fair amount of money, especially the blue ones."

Aside from the otherworldly glow of the stone in the UV light, the emptiness of the mine was slowly beginning to creep Val out. There had to be some reason they stopped working down here, and considering that the mine was structurally stable enough that they hadn't put up support beams to prevent cave-ins, it was rather unlikely that it was unsafe to harvest the rocks…

"This place is freaking me out," she said aloud, a slight echo reaching her from further into the mine.

She was becoming aware of something she couldn't exactly place, almost like a slight sensation of someone being nearby, like if someone was in a room and they were faintly aware of other people in the next room over, but the feeling was quickly beginning to be overly noticeable; the sense of not being alone.

"I wonder how far this thing goes, anyway," she said, trying to take her mind off of it, until something echoed far off.

She stopped dead in her tracks, listening. Mines were usually quiet places, with an occasional drip of water or a ventilation system running somewhere, but what she heard sounded like a door opening, then shutting and something small running very quickly through water. She held perfectly still, because it sounded as if, whatever it was, was coming at her. The mine suddenly went quiet, except for the water flowing, and she held the UV light out ahead of her, looking around for anything moving.

"Huh, probably a rat, or something," she assured herself, going to take a step forward, and then looking up to see what appeared to have once been a human being standing in front of her, but he… it… couldn't possibly be anymore. What seemed to have been a man at one point was covered in blood, a section of his skull smashed in, exposing part of his brain. He had a grim smile on his mutilated face, and although she could see him standing right in front of her, she wasn't sure whether he was really there or not.

"Are… you a ghost?" she questioned, trying to figure this whole thing out, not really sure what to do.

It took a step forward, and she took a step back, coming into contact with something very cold. She peered over her shoulder, seeing about five more similar freakish-looking things. She stepped away, back to where she'd originally stood, looking back and forth from the loner to the group. None of them moved.

She wasn't sure exactly what they were doing - and since she had no clue what they really were, that didn't help – so she stayed put, wondering how they would react if she tried to get away. Ever so slowly, keeping her attention divided between the individual and the group, she inched towards the water-filled trench, hoping to perhaps slip around the single guy.

Their eyes followed her with every movement, and she dearly wished that she could tell what they were thinking. When her foot hit the edge of the trench, she moved sideways past the guy in front of her. They just stood there staring at her, until the loner let out a wail that was unlike any living creature on the earth and came at her in a jerky, robotic manner.

"Oh, damn it all!" she shouted, getting as irritated as she was scared by the situation and throwing the UV light at the creature. Unfortunately, it caught it. "What the hell, man?" she said, and it smiled at her.

Knowing she shouldn't waste any more time, she ran down into the mine, the weird things following her at their relatively slow pace. It was dark without the UV light so she couldn't see a thing, which is why she was so surprised when she hit a steel door.

"Well, that was a stupid thing to do," she murmured, feeling around frantically for a handle as the footsteps of the things behind her came closer.

She finally found the knob and turned it, putting all her weight against the door and pushing it open, quickly running through and pushing it shut behind her. Val took a deep breath, leaning heavily against the door. The footsteps on the other side stopped, and after a moment the creatures pounded on the freezing cold steel surface. She stayed put, one hand holding the knob tightly in place, hoping they didn't know how to open doors. It felt like a billion agonizing years, but the creatures lost interest, and she could hear the ghostly echo of footfalls heading away until they suddenly disappeared.

"O-okay," she said calmly, trying to gather her senses, "I should get the hell out of here."

Since walking along leisurely led to the rather unpleasant encounter before, she thought jogging along might be safer… that is, until she got tackled by something that weighed as much as a bull elephant seal and had the build of a Mr. Universe candidate.

Hitting the ground hard, she could barely get a breath, let alone react to what just happened. She made a futile attempt to get up, but it felt as though a rhino was on top of her.

"You're not going anywhere," a familiar voice greeted in the darkness, and Val didn't need to see to know who it was.

"Alice?" she wheezed, "Where the hell did you come from??"

"No one escapes from Superjail if I have anything to say about it," she replied. "You're lucky I don't rip your guts out and hang you with them."

"Oh wow, I feel the love," Val coughed, becoming increasingly more aware of exactly how sharp the rocks on the mine floor were, "Could you pl-please get off? You weigh a ton."

Alice grabbed Val by the back of the neck, picking her up off the ground and setting her heavily on her feet. "Shut up, before I hurt you."

"Sure thing," she answered as Alice grabbed her by the arm roughly and yanked her back in the direction she'd just come.

--------

_Yes, there are rocks that glow under UV light in brilliant shades of blue, green and red… I still can't remember what the hell they're called, though, and I wrote this chapter a LONG time ago. They harvest the rocks from mines in New Jersey – especially one near my hometown that I'd like to go to._

_Again, I don't know what those things are… They're sort of like ghosts… And zombies… Ghost zombies lol!_


	4. Look of Love

_In this installment, the Warden gets more fatherly – and it kinda continues that way until he's more father than uncle. Jared gets to know Val a bit, and he becomes the only person there she can tolerate because they can sort of relate to each other, and that comes into play a lot later on, when he becomes the voice of reason in her life (you'll see that more towards chapter 8). And oh God, wait till the part with Jacknife comes up in this chapter – what the hell was I thinking when I wrote that?!_

_--------------_

Chapter Four: Look of Love

Not too long later…

Alice drug Val into the Warden's office, and shoved her towards his desk, nearly knocking her off her feet in the process.

"Gee, thanks, Alice," Val murmured sarcastically, turning her attention to the Warden, who was staring at her intently.

"Val," he said with a sinister grin.

"Warden," she said in response, her tone bordering on disturbed.

"Why keep trying to leave, huh? Don't you like it here?"

"Uh, I think I've made it pretty clear that I don't."

"Doesn't it deserve a chance?"

"No, I'd say it definitely doesn't."

"Come on, Val – don't try to run, Superjail can be fun!" he said cheerfully, and she was less than enthused.

"Couldn't escape if I wanted to," she mumbled.

"I'm very disappointed in you for trying to leave, but I'll let you off with a warning," he said happily. "Jared and Jailbot, I'm putting you two in charge of keeping an eye on Val."

"Well, I guess I should have seen that coming," Val said under her breath.

Looking to her, the Warden continued. "Val, Uncle Jared will take the first watch, Uncle Jailbot the second, and so on."

"Wait, wait – so now the robot is my uncle, too?"

"Val, that is no way to talk about Uncle Jailbot," he scolded.

"First you take me hostage, then you treat me like a little kid. Well, I've got news for you: I am a human being, I have rights, and I am an adult!"

"Valerie," the Warden attempted to sound stern, but failed rather miserably to even muster a speck of authority in his tone, given his general demeanor, "Don't you dare raise your voice to me!"

"I'll do whatever I damn well please!" she retorted.

"Jared, you're in charge here, do something!" the Warden snapped at him.

"Yes, sir," Jared said, trying to think quickly, "Uh, I think I should show you to where you'll be staying." He pushed her towards the door.

"And don't forget to think about what you did!" the Warden added.

"I hope someone mutilates you!" she shouted back.

She followed Jared in complete silence for a while, until he stopped at a door. "Go on in, I'll be right back."

She shrugged to herself, and walked inside. Looking about slowly, she found herself in a large, white-walled room with a very high ceiling and a cement floor. The floor level was raised in the back corner between the sidewall and a small enclosed area, which she assumed was the bathroom. The room was empty except for leather chaise lounge a couple yards from where she stood. She walked over to it, sat down and gazed up at the ceiling.

Jared came back in. "This is your room which will double as your office. I realize it's a bit empty – well, more than a bit…" he said, taking in the barrenness of the room before looking to Val, who was wiping her eyes. "Valerie, what's wrong?"

"I'm being kept here against my will by a guy who is acting like some kind of a pedophile. What do you think?"

He walked over and sat down next to her. "You eventually get used to the Warden's… unique… personality."

"I'd rather be stuck anywhere, but here – Antarctica, the Sahara, an island populated completely by people with infectious diseases…"

Jared sympathized with her, though he knew she didn't stand much of a chance of leaving. "Maybe you'll eventually come to be comfortable here," he said optimistically.

"And I find out the most normal of the staff is also crazy. How would I ever come to like this place?"

"Err… Stockholm Syndrome?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Did you just suggest I try to get Stockholm Syndrome?"

"No, I didn't mean it like that! I meant - " He tried to get his thoughts together.

She laughed slightly. "You're alright, Jared. Not like the purple psycho." She leaned against the back of the lounge. "As if it wasn't bead enough he won't let me leave, he adds insult to injury by treating me like a kid and making me feel inferior."

"I know how you feel," Jared related.

She looked at him for a moment, as if considering the situation. "By the way, I'm sorry I got you yelled at before."

"Don't worry about it," he shook his head dismissively, "That's nothing compared to what I normally put up with."

"Somehow I think you and I will get along just fine," Val said, managing to smile for the first time since she found herself at Superjail. "As long as you don't try to kill me, or anything like that," she added, thinking of Alice.

"I don't foresee that being a problem," he replied.

"You know," she said absentmindedly, "This reminds me of the movie _Willard_. A guy whose boss is messed up, and the woman who gets along with him. All that's missing is the psycho mother – well, actually, I think the Warden could stand in for her, too – and the rats." She started humming a pleasant tune. "Jared, the two of us need look no more. We both found what we were looking for. With a friend to call my own, I'll never be alone - " She paused. "It's funny that he'd sing that to a rat who hates him…"

"JARED!" came the Warden's distant – but load – shout, and he immediately jumped to his feet.

"Valerie, it was nice talking to you, but I'm afraid I've got to go now. If you need anything, I'll be around."

"Bye, and thanks – for talking to me, that is. I enjoyed getting to know you."

"JAREEED!" the Warden shouted a second time, "Don't make me call you again!"

Jared nodded to Val, and was quickly on his way. She waited for a minute, then went to the door and peered around outside, checking that the coast was clear. When se was sure it was, she slipped into the hallway and wandered to the nearest cell.

"Psst, hey, you," she said quietly, and the cell's inhabitant came up to the bars.

"What do you want?" he grumbled.

"Do me a favor – spread it around that the new HR lady wants to get the fuck out of this hellhole, and I'll take anybody who helps devise a plan with me; just come to my living-quarters-office-thing."

The prisoner gave a semi-nod that didn't really indicate whether or not he was agreeing to do it, and she quickly went back to her quarters.

The next day… Val was laying on the chaise lounge, counting dots on the ceiling and wondering what she'd be doing if she wasn't here. "5,674, 5,675, 5676 - "

Then she heard the door open. "Good morning, Valerie. Did you get any sleep?"

"Crap, I lost count – uh, what did you say?" she looked over to see Jared walking towards her.

"I'll take that to mean no. What have you been doing this whole time?"

"Counting dots. Thousands of dots."

"Ah-ha," he said, raising an eyebrow," Anyway, I came to get you because the Warden would like you to join us for breakfast."

"Yeah, great. I'd rather blow my brains out, but I suppose I don't have a choice, right?"

"Well, he did seem insistent - "

"Okay, I'll come. But not because I want to – mostly because everyone here, except you, scares me."

They went down to the cafeteria together, Val noticing she got a lot of somewhat creepy looks form prisoners as she passed. Jared pulled out the chair for her politely, and she sat down, taking one look at the Warden, who she was seated next to, and then pushing herself a bit further away from him.

"Morning, Val!" the Warden said enthusiastically, "How are you this fine day?"

"Go to hell," she answered.

"Sounds like somebody needs a hug!"

"Touch me and I will rip you arm off and beat you to death with it!" she said adamantly.

Despite the threat, he got up and wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace, while she tried desperately to shake him off.

"Eww! Get off, get off!"

"Feel better?" he asked with a smile when he finally let go.

"God, no," she said, visibly disturbed by the whole thing, "It's like being hugged by Satan." She brushed herself off, feeling very violated.

"So, do you like your office?" the Warden asked congenially.

"What's to like? It's minimalism gone wild in there."

"Well then, I'll have to have it redecorated," he said, sounding overly pleased with the idea.

"Now I'm really scared." Val shuddered.

"Don't worry about a thing. Your Unckie Warden will take care of everything."

"You know, I've been meaning to ask you, why is Jared 'uncle' – not that that's any less annoying – and you're 'unckie'?"

"'Cause I'm the cool uncle!" the Warden said cheerfully.

"Yeah, more like the terrifying uncle."

"Cut the touchy-feely crap. I want to eat sometime this century, and I can't with you carrying on like that," Alice said gruffly.

"On the subject of eating, count me out," Val said simply, "I don't trust you people. Anything I eat, I make myself."

"Come on, Val, you can trust us," the Warden coaxed sweetly, and she shook her head.

"I'll eat my own vomit first, thanks."

"Well then, you're welcome to fix yourself something in the kitchen," he suggested and she got up and went into the kitchen without further ado.

It took all of her will not to run back out of the kitchen after she entered – it was like the school kitchen from Hell. And the way the ladies looked at her wasn't helping, like they were sizing her up for something.

"Uh, hi. I'm here to make myself something to eat – and I outrank you, so please don't give me any trouble…" she said nervously.

"What the fuck is this? Girls, I don't know what kind of establishment you're running here, but this isn't food – it's rubbish!" Chef Gordon Ramsey shouted, coming in with an inedible tray of something that was crawling with maggots.

"Gordon Ramsey? What the hell are you doing here?" Val asked, so taken aback she could barely react.

"I'm filming an episode of _Kitchen Nightmares_. Who are you?"

"Uh, the Human Resources person."

He turned to the ladies, taking on his characteristically caustic tone and shouting, "This woman doesn't even work in here, and I bet she can cook a billion times better than the lot of you!"

They seemed pretty insulted by that comment.

"Um, I have nothing to do with what he just said!" Val could tell something bad was about to happen when they began to come at Chef Ramsey with a lot of knives. "Mr. Ramsey, you're my hero, but I'm afraid you're in this one alone. I'll come back later!" she shouted to the kitchen workers, leaving in a hurry.

"Coward!" Chef Ramsey yelled after her, turning his attention back to the pissed ladies. "You think you can take me? Bring it on!"

"Val, where are you going?" the Warden asked as she passed them, heading for the exit.

"Back to my office – I can't handle this place right now," she replied.

"Hang on, I'll come with you!" he called happily, "Follow me, Jared!"

"But I just started eating."

"Jared!"

"Coming, sir."

A minute later…

They entered Val's living quarters, and the girl, not to mention Jared, were rather startled by what they saw.

"How… in hell… did you pull this off so fast?" she asked in a near whisper.

Indeed, the room was quite different – for one, the floor appeared to be done in white marble, there were plants everywhere, even a few trees, a large koi pond, a flock of peacocks, and the walls were rainbow colored.

"It's hurting my eyes," Val said, blinking a few times, then looking at the birds. "Very… very exotic."

"Do you like it?" the Warden asked hopefully.

"Err… I'm not really sure how to react… Why do the peahens have diamond necklaces on?"

"Aren't they lovely? Notice that one there - " he pointed to a peacock that seemed a bit grumpy, wearing a spiked collar around it's neck, "That is an attack peacock, to keep you safe while you work."

"Huh," Val responded, still in shock.

"Um, sir, how much did this cost?" Jared finally spoke.

"Doesn't matter," he said with a smile, "Nothing's too good for my Val. You're my platonic Alice, Val."

"Uuuhhh, okay… And that means what exactly?"

"You mean the world to me, you are my everything!"

She took a step away from him. "You just creep me out more and more."

He laughed. "Val, you're a delight."

A little bit later…

The two men had left Val to take in the new appearance of her office while they finished eating, and she lay on her chaise lounge watching the peacocks mill around, trilling to each other.

Val sat up with a start when a group of about seven prisoners came in.

"Uh, can I help you?" she asked, hoping this wasn't going to get ugly.

"Like you, we want to get the hell out of here," one of them replied.

"Ah, so you got the message, I guess?"

"Yeah. So how are we going to do this?"

"Well, since I live in a greenhouse basically, I'm thinking we'll use that as a cover. You guys can come here and take care of my place, and when no one's around, we work on a plan. Sound good?"

Nobody responded, being too busy looking around.

"Hellooo?"

"Right, right, good – we got caught up in the colors."

"Yeah… Okay, well, I'm going to stretch my legs – you can either start, or… stare at the walls, I guess."

She left the group behind with a sigh of 'weirdos', and went to walk around and clear her head. She hadn't been walking for long when she ran into somebody she wasn't quite expecting to.

"You!" she said, and Jacknife appeared to be just as displeased to see her as she was him. "You're the reason I'm stuck in this place, you fucking retard! Of all the people in the world, you had to run into me? Why?!"

It wasn't clear who started it, but this immediately led to a brawl. It was a very strange sight – even stranger than their original fight, since this time Jacknife actually fought back. It wasn't long before they were both somewhat bloody and getting worn out. When they finally got to the point they couldn't fight anymore, they were only managing to stay standing by supporting each other's weight with one hand on the others shoulder, breathing heavily.

They looked up at each other, their eyes met, and suddenly it sounded like music was playing somewhere…

That's the look, that's the look, the look of love –

… And the next thing they knew, they were making out.

That's the look, that's the look, the look of love. That's the look, that's the look, the look of looooove –

WHAM! … That was when Jailbot happened to come along and break up the freaky scene by smashing a chair over Jacknife's head and knocking him out.

LOOK OF LOVE!

"Oh, thanks, Jailbot – I have no idea how that got started," Val said, wiping her mouth with her arm.

Jailbot gave her a disapproving look, and she decided to change the subject. "Do you know where the Warden is? I need to ask him something."

Jailbot led the way to a cellblock where the Warden and Jared were walking around.

"Warden - " she said, and he cut her off straight away.

"Val, what happened to you?" he took on the mannerisms of a doting mother at this point, speaking worriedly and starting to wipe blood off of her face.

"I got into a tiff with somebody, it's not a big deal."

"Yes, it is a big deal; look at you! Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine, now get off of me! I came to ask you a question."

"Ask away."

"Would it be alright if I picked out a small group of inmates to take care of my garden for me while I work?"

"Why, Val, that's a splendid idea! You're so ingenuitive – just like me!"

"That is, by far, the last thing I ever wanted to hear," she said.

"Now, Val, we should get you cleaned up and make sure you're not hurt. I'll get Auntie Alice and we'll take you to see the doctor."

"Fantastic. A woman I'm terrified of, the dude who scares me in ways I didn't even think were possible, and a guy with a profession I'm terrified of. What a great mix that is."

As they began to walk, a prisoner suddenly waved to them from nearby. "Have a nice Samhain, Warden."

"I have no idea what that means, but you, too," he replied agreeably.

"Samhain is an ancient holiday that was practiced by the Celts on which Halloween is based, sir," Jared explained, "They would leave out food and drink for their dead ancestors, and they believed that if their ancestors felt they hadn't been properly honored they would return to drag their living descendants back to the underworld."

"Ooh, how deliciously sinister!" the Warden said, apparently fascinated by the last part.

"Will you be honoring your father this Samhain?" the prisoner asked, and he shook his head.

"Why should I? He's been dead for a while and he's never come back for any reason before. Besides, I don't believe in any of that."

"You should, laddie – he hasn't come back before because you didn't know about it then. I'm sure he still has a bone to pick with you."

"Oh, just shut up!" the Warden said, leaving in a huff with Jailbot following.

"So, he had a father? Somehow I can't picture him being born… More like crawling out of a pit somewhere," Val said thoughtfully.

"Yes, the Warden's father ran this place before him, but the Warden made it the way it is today," Jared said.

"Somehow that explains a lot."

"He's been here since the Warden's father was still in charge." He indicated the prisoner.

"Aye, I knew him."

"Really? Is the Warden anything like his father?" Val asked.

"No, he was masculine and likeable."

Val couldn't help but burst out laughing at that statement, though Jared wasn't exactly thrilled. "Valerie, we should go."

"You go ahead, I'll be right there." Val stayed behind a few minutes, talking to the guy about the Warden's father and the very vague comparison between the two. "It was nice talking to you, Seamus. You remind me of this old guy I was friends with – but not old. I'll come visit you sometime."

"Take care, lassie."

She continued along on her way, and when she was in an empty corridor, something strange occurred.

Val paused, looking around. The air had suddenly gotten very cold, and she wondered if she was close to a vent of some kind, but the hall was devoid of really anything. She shrugged, turning back towards the way she'd been going to see someone standing there.

She blinked, and he had disappeared. She glanced around figuring it was just an optical illusion. She blinked again, and this time he was right in front of her.

"Aah!" she exclaimed, backing away a few steps. "Okay… You cannot be real…"

He gave her an exceptionally serious look. "I am very real."

His voice had an indescribable quality to it, that at once made her tense, but she loved the way it sounded so charismatic and self-assured. One thing was for certain – if he commanded you to do something, you did it.

"Does that mean… you're a… ghost?"

"I suppose, though I'm only here temporarily." When he spoke, his voice echoed slightly in a muffled way that barely reached her.

She was speechless.

"Where is he?"

"Um, who exactly?"

"My son."

"Y-you wouldn't happen to be the Warden's father, would you?" she said barely above a whisper.

"Will you take me to him?"

"Sure," she said, "But aren't ghosts, like, supposed to just know these things?"

He stared at her with an unamused expression.

"Right this way," she said, beginning to walk. "This is ironic since I was just talking to someone about you."

"Oh?"

"Yes, I thought you sounded like an interesting fellow."

"And how do you know my son?" he questioned.

"Well… He's holding me hostage and forcing me to work for him."

"I see."

In the Warden's office…

"What a crock," the Warden said bitterly, "People coming from beyond the grave to get revenge."

"I agree, sir – the whole idea is absurd," Jared said, trying to get him back to his normal, cheerful self.

Then Val stepped in, trailed by the entity, and needless to say, the Warden's jaw dropped.

"I bring you the once and future king of Superjail, Warden the first, gracing this disturbing hellhole. My coworkers, we are in the presence of royalty."

----------

_God, Jacknife in a make-out scene, how wrong is that? Don't ask me why I put Gordon Ramsey in this story… Aside from my rabid obsession with him… Somehow he kind of fits in here – and you see him again in chapter eight. I don't know if he'll come up after that… Maybe…_

_The peacocks – I don't know why, but I have a weird thing with peacocks. I got to see them up close and personal at the Philadelphia Zoo years ago, and I've been fascinated with them since – even though my friend Anna was standing behind me, hiding and screaming, because she's afraid of birds and one of them was glaring at us from on top of a brick wall. Literally, peacocks can be pretty grumpy, whereas the peahens are quite docile. Where do you think I got the inspiration for the 'attack peacock' lol._

_For the record, I wrote this chapter quite some time before we see the Warden's father in the actual show – I guess dying kind of mellowed him out, or something. Although I kind of like his Jacob Marley-esque way of talking to the Warden. He does come up again in the next chapter, then disappears for a bit – which means I have to work him in again._

_Hope you liked this chapter!_


	5. Gorey Drawing

_In this chapter, the Warden's in denial about his father's ghost, his father's ghost says some nasty stuff about him, and Val meets the Doctor. Need I say more?_

_---------_

Chapter Five: Gorey Drawing

The Warden was completely silent. He blinked a few times as though trying to comprehend what was going on, and then took on a scowl. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Um, as far as I can tell, your father came back from the dead for some reason," Val said, glancing over at the specter.

"That's impossible – can't happen," the Warden tried to rationalize.

"Well, he's right in front of you."

"It does sort of… look like him," Jared said.

"No, no; I don't know what that is, but it's not him."

"Huh, maybe you'd like to take over, Warden senior," Val recommended.

The ghost nodded to her, giving his son a very cold look. "You sicken me."

"Haha, yeah, me too," Val added with a laugh.

"For some insane reason I thought you would actually do a halfway decent job when you took over this prison, but in life I amazingly failed to realize that you are not only an incredibly cruel excuse for a human being, but also that your level of intelligence rivals that of a lemming. You make a Special Education student look like a super-scientist."

Val couldn't help but laugh hysterically at this.

"Of course, I take responsibility for being so blind that I didn't realize these things in life, but I must say I am appalled. I thought that I raised you better than that, but evidently I ended up with a brainless executioner. Given your overall performance thus far, you should be called 'Spongebob the oafish dictator'."

At this point, Val was laughing so hard that she was doubled over, holding her sides.

"I've come back because, not only do I find you to be a horrific, insufferable creature that I can't bear to call human, but you also have no respect for anyone or anything – least of which, me. In life, I may not have been one to take revenge, but in death, I have nothing left to lose."

The Warden, obviously still not coming to terms with the reality he was now facing, settled for some _Nightmare on Elmstreet_ logic. "Nope, you're not real and I don't believe in you. And if I don't believe in you, you can't hurt me."

"In all honesty, I can't directly harm anyone – but I can manipulate other things to do it for me," the ghost explained with a little less eloquence.

The Warden stood up, giving his father an irritated glare. "Come on, Jared, we're going to take Val to the Doctor now." He completely ignored the ghost as he put an arm around Val and led her forcibly towards the door.

"The literal definition of denial," Val observed, looking over her shoulder to the Warden Sr., "A pleasure to serve you, my liege. If you need anything else, I'll happily help."

He tipped an invisible hat to her, and as they entered the corridor, his haunting voice echoed after them. "Do not think this is over just because you walk away."

In the hall, the Warden's mood seemed to improve immensely, though turning to Val, he took on a somber tone. "I want you to stay away from that thing."

"You mean your father? Why?"

"That thing," he emphasized on a very sour note, "May pose a threat."

"Yeah, to you. He doesn't have a problem with me."

"Val," he stretched out her name, "Just do as I say. Please, for me?"

She just stared at him with an indifferent expression, and he smiled.

"Good girl," the Warden said and she rolled her eyes. "Now, where is Alice?"

"Do we really need her? Being examined by a doctor with you two in the room is creepy enough."

"You're right – we should bring Jailbot, too!"

Val ran a hand down her face, "Can this get any more messed up?"

It didn't take long for them to track down Alice and Jailbot, who were investigating an odd scene where it appeared that ten inmates killed each other – except that theory didn't add up since they all were disemboweled in a fashion resembling an attack by a carnivorous animal. Of course, none of them really cared, except Val, who couldn't bring herself to even glance at the carnage.

"Alice, Jailbot, would you join us? We're taking Val to see the Doctor."

"Why? She seems fine to me," Alice replied, and Val nodded.

"That's exactly what I told him."

"She might have internal injuries," the Warden said in the motherly tone he'd donned earlier.

"Please, someone, kill me now," Val grumbled.

"Gladly," Alice said, and Val inched away from her.

The Warden laughed. "Oh, you two. Okay, off we go!"

A moment later…

Val could not put into words exactly how disturbing the Doctor's office was when they entered. But, looking at the strange and even more stress-inducing version of a place that she found scary to begin with, there was one thing she could think to say…

"Well, I believe we've just stumbled upon the birthplace of all medical malpractice throughout history…" When the Doctor came in, Val immediately turned to leave. "I'm gone."

"Val," the Warden said soothingly, turning her back around, "You don't have to be afraid. The Doctor is a highly trained professional."

"I seriously, seriously doubt that."

"Ah, so you're the new girl. What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked, giving Val an eerie smile.

"Val here got into a fight. I'd like you to examine her and make sure she's okay."

"With pleasure."

Val shuddered.

"Come over here, Miss, and take a seat on this table."

She reluctantly did just that, trying to ignore the bloodstains all over the place.

"Can I ask you to undress?"

"No fucking way in hell, you perv! I don't care if you _are _a doctor!"

"Okay, okay, no need for hostility," he said, looking over the obvious wounds to her face and arms.

"Hm, no serious injuries as far as I can tell. Any pain anywhere?"

"No."

"Any nausea, dizziness or discomfort of any sort?"

"No. If I had any complaints, I would have said something by now."

"You're certainly a ray of sunshine," he said, checking quickly for loss of motor skills. "Okay, let's try a word association test."

"Why?"

"Because I feel like it," he explained. "Dark."

"Light."

"Cloud."

"Soft."

"Mountain."

"Dew."

"Fraud."

"You."

The Doctor gave her a less than pleased frown. "Idiot."

"Him." She pointed to the Warden.

"Hideous."

"Your mother."

"Guess I set myself up for that one," the Doctor said, grabbing a pen and a piece of paper, "Okay, enough of that. Draw the first thing that comes to mind."

She did a quick sketch and held it up – a drawing of the Warden, dead, with an axe stuck in his head.

"Gorey," the Doctor said with interest.

The Warden seemed to find it amusing, turning to his colleagues with a grin. "She's such a card!"

"And can be crushed just as easily," Alice added.

"Well, I don't see anything wrong with her, except her bad attitude," the Doctor said and Val became indignant.

"If you were stuck in a place you hated, wouldn't you have a bad attitude too, douchebag?"

"See what I mean?" he said, pulling the Warden aside. "Has she been causing any problems lately?"

"Yes, actually," the Warden replied, "She tried to run away twice, but we luckily caught her in the act before she got very far."

"Classic acting out," the Doctor said thoughtfully.

"What should we do about it?" the Warden asked, the tenor of his voice suggesting he was worried it would happen again.

"Hm," the doctor thought, "Well, you could always do something to make her feel a little more at home, spend some time together to strengthen your bond as coworkers, like going fishing, or something."

"Ha, I've got it! We'll go on an employee fishing trip!" the Warden said happily, and the Doctor gave him a blank look.

"I just suggested that." He shook his head. "Anyway, that or you could always hand her over to me and I'll make her not want to try escaping again," he suggested evilly.

"No, that's alright – I think my plan is just the ticket!" He cheerfully rounded up his coworkers. "We're going fishing!"

"Fishing?" Jared sounded nervous.

"How the hell did we go from doctor visit to fishing?" Val questioned, then giving the Doctor a dirty look as she hopped off the table and went to follow the group out. "I worked in the healthcare field and I know you type – try studying up on the Nuremberg Code, will you?"

He watched them depart, and then commented to himself, "What a bitch."

Out of nowhere, there was a sound like a Gregorian chant and one of the light fixtures fell out of the ceiling and landed on his head.

"Damn it! What the hell was that about?"

--------

_Lol, I love the way the Warden's father describes him – horrible, yet strangely satisfying. That Gregorian chant thing at the end is part of what he does, for the record – it doesn't come up much until… well, whenever I get around to writing about it._

_The idea of that many people watching someone get examined is kind of creepy – especially when the "Doctor" is a Godless butcher with no ethics. I kinda like the way he sort of acts like a psychologist there, though – and the word association thing lol._

_Hope you enjoyed this chapter!_


	6. Don't Rock the Boat

_Ah, some more arguing with Alice leads to Val nearly getting killed – gotta love that. And there's a bad Teletubbies reference… Don't ask me why…_

_Also, the song Val sings, "Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat" is by Don Henley – I used to hear that song all the time when I was a kid, and I was obsessed with it, but I never knew what it was called or who sang it until a few months ago. Yet another song by Don Henley I love – that guy totally rocks! (runs off to listen to "Dirty Laundry")_

_-----------_

Chapter Six: Don't Rock the Boat

In the hall…

"Shouldn't you be concerning yourself with how your father wants to kill you?" Val asked the Warden and he laughed.

"Pshaw," he replied, "I'd like to see that thing try."

"Well, it shouldn't be hard – he _is_ dead, and the dead tend to have strange powers."

"The Warden is perfectly capable of taking care of himself," Jared said in his defense.

"Heh, yeah. Somehow he's managed to survive this long," she said, idly watching the dull scenery of this area of the prison pass by, "Too bad."

Jared gave her a look that suggested she shut up before she got in trouble, and she just smiled and shrugged at him.

"So, exactly why are we going fishing?"

"We want you to feel more at home," the Warden said, "And what better way than to do something together?"

"Sure, that will totally make me feel at home – about as much as a tractor trailer plowing through my living room."

"Don't worry, Val, you'll love it! We'll be fishing for Swordfish and Barracuda!"

"Somehow I highly doubt that. Can't I just go back to my place? I don't handle the prospects of danger well when I haven't slept."

"No," the Warden laughed upon saying this. "Now, I think you'll remember where we're heading." He opened a door and Val gazed outside to the familiar meadow.

"Oh God, not again…"

"Oh yes," the Warden said, "What better setting to relax and spend some time together?"

"I don't want to go out there with those things!"

"You mean the Sheepzilla? Aren't they wonderful creatures?" he asked wistfully.

"They wanted to eat me."

"Nonsense," he waved a hand dismissively, "They wouldn't harm a fly."

"Uh, but sir, you had the Doctor create them to kill anyone trying to come or go," Jared reminded him.

"Jared, I think I know what they were created for."

"Then why are they sizing you up right now?" Val asked, trying to make herself look inconspicuous.

"That's just their way of being friendly!"

"Riiight," Val said, as they approached the boat they'd be using. "Err… Is that thing remotely safe? It looks like a huge pile of toothpicks."

Indeed, the boat looked anything but safe.

"It'll be fine, Val, stop being such a worrywart," he reassured, but she didn't feel any better.

"I really don't think - " but she was cut off when Alice hoisted her up and literally threw her into the boat. "… Okay…. That hurt…"

Amazingly, everyone managed to fit into the small boat, and Alice rowed them out about ten yards from shore, while the so-called "Sheepzilla" congregated on the beach, observing them hungrily.

Val sighed deeply. "I feel like shooting myself in the face."

"You know what might cheer you up? A sea shanty!" the Warden said enthusiastically, and she covered her eyes.

"Oh, God… Don't even go there, seriously."

"A good song cheers up everybody!" He stood up, causing the boat to shift uneasily.

"Yeah, I got a song for you – sit down, sit down, you're rockin' the boat. 'Cause the devil will drag you down by the sharp lapels of your [purple] coat. Sit down, you're rockin' the boat."

"That can easily be construed as a threat," Alice replied, looking for an excuse to get on her case.

"Well, maybe it was," Val answered less than pleasantly, and the Warden jumped in.

"Come on, we should be getting along!"

"Stay out of it!" both Alice and Val snapped and then glared at each other.

"Don't address your superior that way!" Alice ordered.

"Who the hell do you think you are, telling me what to do when you just did the same thing?!"

"I outrank you, scumbag!"

"Since when do prison guards outrank Human Resource professionals? You're just a glorified security guard!"

"Now, girls - " the Warden tried to interrupt.

"Shut up, Tinky Winky!" Val shouted, thinking of the Teletubbies for some reason.

"Val, I'd advise you to show your Auntie Alice more respect," he said informatively.

"Shut up, shut up, shut the fucking hell up! I'll talk to the hideous-ass whore however I like!"

"That tears it!" Alice said and tackled Val, the two of them falling overboard and thrashing around in the water before sinking below the surface.

"Sir, shouldn't we do something?" Jared asked, peering over the edge of the boat.

"No, they'll be back up any time now," he replied, and after a while his tone became a little less confident. "… Any time now, I'm sure… Where the hell are they?"

"Over there!" Jared said, pointing to the shore.

Val clamored up onto the beach, throwing sand and rocks at the Sheepzilla to shoo them away. Catching her breath, she turned and waved to them. "I'm okay!"

Then Alice emerged from the water, looking hell bent of destruction.

"Oooh crap."

Val didn't was any time in running for the door.

"Get back here!" Alice snarled, chasing after her, and even chucking a Sheepzilla at her at one point.

"Hm, that can't be good," Jared said to himself, aware of what might happen if Alice caught up with Val.

"Well, I'm glad they're safe, but now our fishing trip is ruined," the Warden said, somewhat upset.

"We could always do something else together, sir," he suggested, and before the Warden could say anything, there was an odd sound like a Gregorian chant.

"What is that?" the Warden asked, getting creeped out.

"It sounds like monks singing," Jared answered, slowly looking around.

That's when a large group of Leopard seals stuck their heads out of the water, looking directly at them.

"Sir, maybe we should go back to shore…"

"What do you mean?" he asked, looking at the toothy creatures with interest.

"Those seals aren't found anywhere near these waters. And they're highly aggressive."

"Really?" That prospect excited the Warden. "Maybe we should give them to the good Doctor."

"Uh - "

Then the seals started bumping the boat, trying to tip it over.

"Jailbot, you know what to do," the Warden said cheerfully.

Meanwhile…

Val was running through Superjail, getting more and more tired by the second, but she wasn't going to stop now, being able to hear Alice somewhere behind her, knocking inmates left and right out of her way.

She managed to get to her quarters, running inside and slamming the door behind her, leaning up against it heavily.

The group of prisoners who were caring for her plants stopped what they were doing and stared at her.

"Locks, locks, I have to lock this thing!" she said urgently, turning back to the door and beginning to close latches and locks and fixing the chains, feeling a lot safer being locked in a room with a bunch of convicts than in the same room as a pissed off Alice.

Before she was even halfway done getting through the various locks, something slammed into the door hard.

"You can't hide from me!" Alice called to her from the other side, and continued slamming into the door.

Val backed away from the door, watching it quiver with each blow that was laid against it.

After a long time, it finally stopped, and she made her way cautiously over to the door, laying her head against it and listening to the silence on the other side.

She suddenly jumped back when Alice shouted again. "You may be safe for now, but this isn't over!"

Val heard her footsteps leading away, and wiped her forehead in relief. "Thank God this door is made of panic room grade reinforced steel."

"What the hell did you do to make her so mad?" one of the prisoners asked.

"Honestly, I can't remember, but I think it ended with 'whore'…"

There was a collective 'oh' followed by random comments ranging from 'nice' to 'that was incredibly stupid'.

She drew a deep breath, and traipsed over to her chaise lounge to sit down. "While I'm hiding out for my life in here, why don't we have our first meeting to figure out what the hell we're doing? 'Cause I can't handle this place anymore."

They agreed, and gathered around to start brainstorming, unaware that something was listening to every word.

------------

_Now the plot is really moving along – from here, Val gets to know some of the prisoners (including an OC who looks like the main character from "The Shawshank Redemption" – my favorite prison movie), Alice starts to play with Val's head a bit, and Val actually manages to seriously piss off the Warden. Coming soon to a computer screen near you! Lol._

_I have the next two chapters written, I just need to type them. I would have posted chapter seven on DeviantArt a long time ago, but I was swamped during Christmas with stuff I had to do, and now I keep getting sick, which doesn't help, on top of me having to do a lot of art for people. I have seven and eight written out and I'll be typing them soon; probably this upcoming week, since I don't have too much of a workload right now as far as art goes (I'm self-employed as a commissionable artist)… For now, anyway._

_Hope you enjoyed the first six chapters of the story! I'll be posting more soon!_


	7. John the Murderer

Well, I managed to type up one of the two chapters I have written out – I'll get the other typed for next week. I like this chapter a lot; why, I'm not totally sure, just something about the dynamic between Val and Alice and how Val gets to know one of the inmates.

_For those who've never seen it, Andy Dufresne (mentioned very shortly) is the main character of "The Shawshank Redemption" (my favorite prison movie – and just one of my favorite movies in general). I don't know exactly why I made aforementioned inmate look like him, that's just what I kept picturing. His nickname 'John the Murderer' was actually the name of a character I created and wrote a lot about in middle school, who was bald, wore glasses and liked to hit people with hammers O_o. His backstory was that he hung out with this group of crazy-ass misfits who solved paranormal mysteries, and then murdered people on the side. Appropriately, I once wrote a story for my English class where they were all murdered by Willy Wonka with an axe while he sang 'No More Lonely Nights' (my teacher seemed to like it) – think about it, I based him on that guy, the Warden is a lot like Willy Wonka, and, oddly enough, there is something to do with an axe coming up soon in this story. _

_Oh yeah, and the rat's name is borrowed from "The Green Mile" – 'cause that's how much I love that movie._

_-----------_

Chapter Seven: John the Murderer

"He hears all, he sees all, he _kills_ all."

- the motto of the original John the Murderer (I was a weird kid)

"My name is Valerie," Val introduced herself to the group.

"Exactly how did you come to be here?" someone asked, and Val sighed.

"To make a long story short, a total moron ran into me when I was standing by the river drinking and contemplating suicide, we got tangled up, Jailbot brought us in, and now the Warden is making me work for him, lest I end up like one of you."

"Heh, yeah right," said one guy, who looked strangely like a black-haired version of Andy Dufresne.

"What?" she said defensively, "I didn't do anything, unlike the rest of you."

"That's what they all say," he replied.

"… Did you just quote _The Shawshank Redemption_ at me?"

"I'm just saying," he answered.

"Saying what? That you're an idiot?"

He rolled his eyes while the others shared a laugh at his expense. "Whatever, dollface."

"I'd appreciate it if you never called me that again , you ass-faced slimebucket."

He shook his head, visibly irritated. "_My name_," he said, "Is John Ponse."

"Why are you here?" she questioned idly.

"Murder one."

"Oh, so you're 'John the Murderer'," she said, and he just gave her a dirty look. "Hey, that's how I remember this stuff. Anywho… Anybody have any ideas of how to get out of here? You guys stand a better chance of getting away unnoticed than I do, since the Warden acts like an overprotective parent towards me for some reason."

"So why are we helping you at all if you would just make it harder for us to escape?" John asked, and she shrugged.

"I dunno, I figure that even the rejects of society have at least a shred of decency, sometimes anyhow. Besides, I don't belong here – at all."

"Well, the easiest way to get out of here would be to knock everybody off," someone suggested.

"No duh, but how do you propose doing that? Not to mention, I'm not totally for the killing thing. Try again," Val said, shaking her head.

The group continued to babble, unaware that the whole thing was being recorded by a black rat with an audio device taped to it's back. Satisfied with what it had overheard, the rat scrambled back through a nearby hole and into the wall cavity. It followed the dark and dirty path, under and between pipes that crisscrossed the tight enclosure while cold water dripped down on it.

Meanwhile, Jared was heading back to his office, wiping blood off his suit.

"Why exactly does the Warden want a bunch of seals, anyway? And did Jailbot have to spray me with their blood?" he sighed, opening the door and heading over to his desk, when a certain black rat scampered up onto it.

"Mr. Jingles," he said to the rat, "Did you get something of interest on tape?"

That rat squeaked excitedly, and he took the audio device from it's back and hit play.

A garbled recording began to play. "Any ideas of how… get out of here… getting away unnoticed… make it harder for us to escape… easiest way to get out of here… knock everybody off… So we leave, and take Val with us."

"Uh-oh, I better tell the Warden about this immediately!" Jared said, running off in a hurry.

A moment later, he entered the Warden's office. "Warden, I've got bad news!"

"Jared, you know how I hate bad news. Can't you find some way to make it positive?"

"Uh… In this case, no, I think not."

"Fine, what is it?" he groaned.

"We taped some inmates talking about escaping – and taking Val with them."

"What?" the Warden said in a tone that would have made Satan shudder. "We'd better have a meeting!"

He pressed a button on his desk's control panel, and spoke into a microphone he produced from somewhere. "Alice, Val and Jailbot, please report to my office."

In her quarters, Val looked curiously at the PA speaker near the door and went over to it, pressing the red button. "Do I have to? I'm a little busy here," she said into the mic.

"Valerie, get down here NOW!" the Warden shouted, and she took a deep breath.

"So much for hiding out in here… I'll be lucky if Alice doesn't go Mortal Kombat on me."

She turned to the inmates and clapped her hands together to get their attention. "Okay, men, that's all you have to do for today – I've got to face whatever fate is waiting for me when I leave this room, so you all might as well go do whatever it is you do, and I'll see you again tomorrow… If I'm still alive."

She slowly walked out of the room, purposely trying to walk as slowly as possible, wishing that she didn't have to go to the office. Inevitably, she eventually arrived at the door, swallowed hard, and opened the door so unhurriedly time practically stood still.

She glanced around the room, and her eyes came to rest upon a sight she'd been dreading – Alice. The redhead gave her a brain-melting glare, and Val shivered.

"We're upping security," the Warden announced, "It came to my attention that there's a plot to escape going around. And apparently they want to take Val."

"How do we know that she didn't start it?" Alice looked as though she was just barely controlling the urge to annihilate the girl.

"Val wouldn't do that. Would you, Val?"

"Err… No?" she said shakily, guessing he didn't hear the whole story.

"Exactly. The very idea is preposterous. I don't care what they're planning, they won't take you away!" he gripped her in a tight embrace, and at this point, she really wanted to shoot herself. First off, though, she had to deal with the fact that he was practically asphyxiating her.

"Okay, enough with the hugging!" she coughed. "Can I leave now?"

"Alright," he agreed, "But Auntie Alice will have to escort you back to your quarters. And if anything suspicious happens, you page me right away!"

Val didn't hear the last part – she was too busy staring at Alice in fear, because she seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the irony of them ending up alone under the current circumstances.

"Take good care of her, Alice!" the Warden said cheerfully, and she nodded, what appeared to be a faint, almost totally undetectable smile brightening her normally fierce expression, which scared Val more than if she were still glaring at her.

"Oh, I will," Alice replied, and Val started to panic.

"Um, do we have to go alone? Wouldn't it be safer if we had somebody else with us?" she asked, glancing at Alice and wondering if the woman could tell how afraid she really was.

"I can confidently assure you that you will be more than safe with Alice," he replied.

Jared had no problem seeing what Val was trying to do, and feeling bad for her, he spoke up. "Uh, Warden - "

"Not now, Jared."

Or, at least, he tried to.

He shrugged to Val, and she gave a dejected nod. "Okay, I'll be leaving now, I suppose."

She ever so slowly moved towards the exit, peering over at Alice out of the corner of her eye, before allowing her gaze to come to rest on the floor. When the door closed behind them, Val felt Alice's tight grip just above her left elbow, digging her nails into the girl's arm almost as hard as she could. No doubt about it, it hurt like mad, but Val didn't make a sound or look up at her.

The atmosphere was heavy and ominous at present, and Val began to walk slowly with her eyes closed, feeling an overwhelming sense of foreboding.

"A-Alice," she said, trying to collect her thoughts, "Please… before you do something, hear me out…" She didn't reply, so Val nervously continued, "I'm really sorry. Sometimes I don't think before saying things, and it's pretty obvious that I got on your bad side. I'm really, really, seriously sorry… Please don't hurt me… Have mercy."

"Mercy?" she sounded amused, "I don't know the meaning of the word."

"S-s-so what are you going to do?" Val stuttered, looking up at her coworker.

"That's for me to know, and for you to suffer."

"I guess it wouldn't make any difference if I begged?"

Alice stopped and looked at her for a few seconds, though it felt like an hour, and Val stared back at her, not sure what exactly was about to happen. Then she stomped hard on the girl's foot, putting all her weight into it. "No."

Val took a deep breath through clenched teeth, then said calmly, "Ow."

Alice drug her the last few yards to the door, while Val limped, opened the door and shoved her inside. "See you soon," she taunted, and the door slammed shut.

Val shook her head miserably. "I'm never going to get out of here alive."

"What's the matter, dollface?" questioned a familiar voice.

Val looked over to see John Ponse sitting on her chaise lounge, wearing a smug grin.

"What the hell are you still doing here?" she snapped, needing to direct her frustration at someone.

"Seeing what it's like to be you," he replied and she scoffed.

"I've been having quite the opposite experience," she muttered.

She limped over to the wall and leaned up against it, dearly wishing the pain in her foot would stop. She touched the area where Alice had her hand moments earlier, and was greeted by a stinging sensation and the sight of blood smeared on her fingers.

"What happened to you?" he asked.

"Alice," she put simply, "And she's saving the worst for last."

"Been there," he said, giving her a suggestive smile, "Why don't you come sit down, take a load off? It'll make you feel better."

"Sit next to you? I'll pass."

"Oh come on, you don't have to worry. Wouldn't it feel nice to get off that foot?"

Val couldn't help but agree, and as much as she wanted to stay away from him, her foot was killing her. "You better not try anything," she warned, "I don't like the fact that you're even here."

She hobbled over and cautiously seated herself, eyeing him distrustfully.

John lay back against the lounge, stretching out comfortably. "Come on, lay down."

"Excuse me? What are you getting at?" she said disgustedly.

"It's nothing personal, if that makes you feel any better. I just haven't been near a woman except Alice in a long time. Just spend a little while with me." He smiled, quietly reciting the words to a song, "Lay down, Sally, restin' in my arms. Don't you think you want someone to talk to? Lay down, Sally. No need to leave so soon. I've been trying all night long just to talk to you."

She thought for a moment, and reluctantly stretched out beside him, not reacting when he moved closer to her, put his right arm behind his head and his left one around her shoulders.

"Doesn't that feel nice?" he asked.

"If you say so," she said, and he chuckled.

"The warmth of a woman makes all the troubles of the world melt away."

"You sound like you're either trying to be romantic or describing a hooker."

"Not at all," he said in a soft tone that made her feel sleepy. It feels good to be so close to another person – that's not a guy, for once. Feeling any better?"

"I guess," she said, looking at the ceiling, "Though you still weird me out."

He laughed. "All that matters now is that we're keeping each other company."

She felt him make a move to cop a feel, and said, in a monotone, "Touch me, and I will chop your dick off."

He chuckled. "Sorry, testosterone's going to my head."

"So…" she started carefully after a moment of silence, "You're really in here for murder, huh? Who did you kill?"

"My wife. She wouldn't stop nagging me all the time."

"Are you serious?"

"Nah, she was also a complete slut. Literally. She became a streetwalker."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. The bitch had to go." He laughed.

She drew a breath uncomfortably, and changed the subject. "You surprisingly seem like a nice guy, considering you're in this hellhole."

"Well…" he said thoughtfully, "Sometimes we make mistakes, and they catch up with us. I probably deserve to be here."

"No," she replied solemnly, "Nobody deserves to be here." Their eyes met temporarily.

"You sure don't," he said, bringing her closer so that her head rested against his chest.

"So you believe me now," she smiled slightly.

"Who wouldn't believe a sweet thing like you?" He rubbed her shoulder comfortingly and she sighed.

"You know, she said quietly, her tone taking on a hint of concern, "If Jailbot finds us together, he'll probably hurt you."

"Eh, small price to pay to be with a real woman after so long."

There was a long creak of a door opening slowly behind them, and they both looked up to see none other than the Warden emerge from the closet.

"What the hell?" How did he get in there?" Val said, standing up.

"There's a good joke here about him being gay," John laughed to Val, then changing his tone when he saw the look he got from him, "But I'm not saying it."

"What do you think you're doing?" he snapped at the inmate, who seemed slightly confused.

"I didn't do anything."

"You were touching her!"

"So?"

"You were touching her, and I know what that leads to! She shouldn't be doing that!"

"What do you care? You're not her father," John said calmly.

"Exactly," Val agreed.

"You treat her more like a kid than a coworker, and for someone who calls himself her uncle, you treat her more like a prisoner than anything else."

"_You_," the Warden said in a dangerous tone, "Have no right to talk. Val was about to take her own life when she came here. I gave her a new home, people she'd be able to rely on, and a purpose. I took her under my wing, and have given her the opportunity to be a part of something truly meaningful - "

"What a crock," Val murmured.

"I gave her a new life!" the Warden finished, and John scoffed.

"By taking away her freedom? Making her one of your slaves?"

"Don't _you_ judge _me_," he retorted, "Who do you think you are? What could you possibly offer Val?"

"Understanding," John said. "She didn't ask to be drug here and imprisoned by a complete lunatic with no standards of ethics."

The Warden laughed. "This is rich."

"He has a point," Val shrugged.

"Val, please, I'm trying to tell this pervert off," he said to her, turning his attention back to John, "You mongrel, you had better leave Val alone! She's way above you station!"

"Really?" John glared at him, "What's wrong with me? Aren't all men created equal?"

"Monster!" he shouted accusingly, "Stay away from her or I'll take action!"

"Oh, like what?" he challenged, and the Warden smiled evilly.

"JAILBOT!"

Jailbot was there immediately, eager to be of assistance.

"Jailbot, take this ruffian away and teach him a lesson." He snapped his fingers and Jailbot drug John off, a very sinister expression displayed on his screen.

"I tried to warn him," Val said unenthusiastically.

------

_Considering what Alice could have done to Val at that moment, she's quite lucky to have gotten off with so little injury. Their interactions progressively get more tense from this point – I honestly have no idea what will eventually happen, but it'll be interesting to watch it play out. Lol, the Warden hanging out in the closet was actually based on a dream I had years ago where this guy was talking to me from in the closet and I slammed the door in his face – I think I'd originally had a weirder idea for him, but then I used the closet. I even did an illustration of it to give myself a laugh. _

_John Ponse… What a weird character… I was pretty sure when I started this that there weren't going to be any OC inmates other than Val ex-boyfriend (who eventually plays a major role in a brief plot arc later on), but somehow I ended up with John. And considering why he's there, I'm actually very fond of him. I tend to create extra OCs for the purpose of being tortured throughout the story and then kill them off, but John's different – not only is he based on a character from my early teen years that is near and dear to my heart, but his personality is becoming addictive. I like that, despite what he's done, he's got this sort of unapologetic, smooth-talking, sappy thing going on… And he can be pretty sappy. In the next two chapters, you sort of see a little bit of that in the way he pals around with Val. It's just, honestly, very… cute. And this type of cute stuff usually makes me want to hurl lol._

_Anywho, hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'll have more next week, so, in the meantime, just chill and maybe leave me a review to let me know what you thought (I usually end my stories' chapters with a sentiment like that, but I haven't done it yet in this, for some reason)!_


	8. Caught in the Act

_Well, I finally got this chapter typed up. Technically, it was meant to be slightly longer, but I decided to cut it before the actual ending. Anywho, this is the chapter where Val seriously gets to the Warden – if you ever wondered what that would be like, I'd describe it as 'cold, calculating and kinda vengeful…Not to mention his motherly-tantrum-type-things'. Him before was sort of 'playfully irritated' versus what he's like in this chapter, where he's 'pissed off spy' (don't ask me why that wording came to me). The way Val does is very serious, but at the same time, I found myself writing it in almost a slightly comedic way at times, like the scene in the kitchen. The Warden reacts so strongly to it because, in addition to the obvious 'uncle thing' going on, he has this belief that he's given her this chance at a new life, and this comes across to him as a personal assault, because of what she tries to do. That's why he goes on to assign her a bodyguard, I guess you'd call him._

----------

Chapter Eight: Caught in the Act

"Vvvaaalll," the Warden said, crossing his arms when he turned to face her. "You should know better than to associate with that breed of riff-raff."

"He's actually not that bad. Creepy and annoying, but not that bad," Val said, somewhat surprised that a murderer could be that likeable.

"Valerie," he took on a more serious tone, "I don't want you socializing with him anymore. In fact, I'm going to set you up with someone."

"Are you out of your mind?" she asked incredulously.

"I think it would be good for you, maybe keep you out of trouble," he said cheerfully.

"Uh, for one, there's nothing going on between me and John. And two, my love life is not why I 'get into trouble'," she emphasized the quote, "No matter what I was doing when I ended up here."

"Val, bad girls grow up to be whores, drug-addicts and psychotic, murderous she-demons. I won't have you end up like that."

"So, you're saying if I don't do what you say, I'll become Alice?"

The Warden somehow missed that comment. "I'll do whatever I have to to make sure you become a sweet, refined and law-abiding woman – even if it means I have to be very hard on you."

"I don't even want to know what you mean by that," she muttered, rolling her eyes.

"You should show more gratitude," he said critically, "I've given you the gift of a new life. Be thankful for it."

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry," she apologized as he left the room, his words making her fell guilty for a split-second, "God, what the hell am I saying??" She sat down on the lounge again and sighed deeply. "You know what? If he wants me to be grateful, I'll show him just how grateful I am that he took me hostage for planning to commit suicide."

She went down to the cafeteria, knowing that was a good place to find what she wanted, even though the ladies there scared her.

Walking in, the place was eerily quiet, except for a clang or a rattling here and there. She entered the kitchen slowly, peering around for any sign of hostile life forms, when she unexpectedly came face-to-face with one seriously ugly and disturbing woman. "What do you want?" she barked.

"Err…" Val said, trying not to stare, "I need a knife."

"Paring, Steak, Carving, Chef's, Butcher's, what?"

"Uuuhhh… Butcher's, I guess?"

"One Butcher's knife coming up," the terrifying lady responded, walking off.

"O~kay, that was creepy." She turned to look around, and met the gaze of someone she almost didn't recognize. "Oh my God, Chef Ramsey, what did they do to your beautiful face?!"

"What a bloody stupid question!" he snapped.

"Well, excuse me," she said, turning her back to him.

"Here's your knife!" the woman shouted, throwing it.

Unfortunately, Val didn't catch it – it got stuck in Gordon Ramsey's chest.

"Bloody hell!" Ramsey shouted.

Val quickly pulled it out, "Uh, sorry!"

"Sorry?! I just got stabbed! What the fuck do you need a knife for, anyhow?!"

"I'm about to kill myself," she explained.

"Good! Good riddance!" he shouted as she was exiting.

"Heh, good luck getting out of here, you uppity prick!" she yelled back. "God, why do I like that guy?"

In her quarters, Val sat down, turning the knife back and forth in her hand, while listening to the peacocks trill to each other. "Well, it's now or never," she said finally, "God, forgive me, but I'd rather be in hell than here."

She placed the sharp blade of the knife against her throat, feeling the edge begin to press into her jugular, when the door slammed open.

Val froze as Alice came in, realizing that the scene probably didn't look too good and quickly set the knife down, acting like nothing happened. "Alice," she said with tense enthusiasm as a drop of blood rolled down her neck, "Uh, it's… it's not what it looks like."

"Nice try," Alice said, "Only I'm allowed to kill you. Now, are you going to make this easy, or do I have to get physical?"

Val swallowed hard. "U-um…" She had no idea what Alice was talking about, but she was so scared of the woman that she had no choice but to do whatever she wanted her to do. "I'll oblige – I-I won't give you any trouble…"

Seemingly satisfied with her answer, Alice came towards her.

"What are you doing?" Val asked, wanting to shrink away from her.

"What do you think?" Alice said, and Val shivered, feeling like the room had just gotten seventy degrees cooler.

She fancied that Alice most likely was all too aware that she was scared to death of her, and she wished she didn't make it so obvious by involuntarily stuttering, speaking in a frightened tone and shaking like a cold Chihuahua.

"Get up and start walking," she ordered the girl, and Val obeyed without even asking to where.

They were walking along the corridors of the prison when Val noticed the Warden's office up ahead. Having no desire to be anywhere near him at the moment, she kept walking straight until Alice grabbed her by the shoulder and yanked her back a step.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Uh… In there?" she pointed to the office door.

"Move it," Alice acknowledged.

Val stepped into the office, with Alice right behind her, somewhat relieved to see that the Warden wasn't in at the moment… Just Jailbot and Jared.

"Oh hurrah, he's not here, but the cavalry is," Val said to herself.

"You're just in time," Jared said, "The Warden called us in here to discuss something."

"Where is the Warden?" Alice asked in her usual gruff tone.

"He stepped out for a moment to attend to something," Jared said, and Val looked over at Jailbot, who had fresh blood splattered on his white surface.

'Hope that's not from John,' she thought, 'Poor guy.'

"What happened to Valerie?" Jared questioned, noticing the cut on her neck.

"I found this one trying to slit her throat," Alice informed.

Jared nearly had a heart attack. "Valerie! How could you do that?! The Warden is going to freak out!"

"Well, sor~ry," Val murmured, rolling her eyes.

Jailbot pulled out a sewing needle and thread.

"Uh, no, Jailbot, I don't think she needs stitches," Jared said, and Jailbot moved towards her.

Val stepped behind Alice, peering around her at the malevolent sentient. "Alice, protect me!" she said to her own surprise.

"You, let her bleed, and you, stop wigging out," Alice yelled, pulling Val out from behind her.

"I never thought I'd say this, Alice, but you totally rock," Val said as Jailbot put the sewing stuff away.

"Shut up or I'll slit your throat for you," she said, and the girl nodded.

"Sorry, I just really hate needles," Val explained.

"I'll remember that," Alice responded, and Val ran a hand down her face.

"Oh crap."

Jared, seeing as the Warden hadn't come back yet from 'heckling a certain prisoner' or whatever it was he'd said, decided now would be as good time as any to pull Val aside for a moment. "Valerie, can I see you outside briefly?"

The girl followed him into the hallway. Thinking about the situation got him all anxious again, and his tone reminded Val of Tweek from _South Park_. "Valerie, how could you try to do something like that?"

"Wouldn't most people be driven to do the same thing if this happened to them?"

"I know you're having a hard time adjusting here, but you have to hang in there. I'm sure things will work out somehow, you just need to be strong. Please cooperate, just this once."

"And what if I don't? Are you going to audit me?" she replied snarkily.

"Do you have any idea how upset the Warden will be when he finds out?!"

"So what?"

"It's not a good idea to displease him! You don't want to see him angry!"

"Jeez, are you describing the Hulk to me?"

"Just trust me, Valerie – when he gets mad, typically things get ugly."

"So what the hell do you want me to do about it? He's going to find out one way or another, because I can tell you right now that Alice won't keep it a secret since she has it out for me. Unless you gave her five minutes alone with me – please tell me you won't do that."

"Don't worry," Jared said, now trying to calm her down even in his own state of anxiety. "I'm sure if we handle this delicately the Warden won't react too dramatically."

"I just hope he doesn't do anything more screwy than he does normally."

"Come on," Jared said, "Let's go talk to Alice."

"I'm telling you, she's not going to agree."

They stepped back into the office. "Err, Alice - " Jared started.

"I know what you're going to say, and the answer is 'forget it'," Alice answered.

"Please, Alice, this one time could you make an exception? It would be in all of our best interests, especially Valerie's, if we didn't get the Warden angry."

"Why would I care? I don't give a fuck if she tries to kill herself, as long as she's still among the living, I'm going to make her life miserable. She's lucky enough I caught her in the act because I stopped in to give her some pointers on watching her mouth."

"But if the Warden finds out that she almost slit her throat - "

"If I find out _what_?" came the familiar voice to their left, donning a deadly serious tone, though sounding calm all the while.

They silently looked over to see the Warden sitting at his desk, his fingers laced in front of his mouth so it was hard to gauge what his facial expression was.

"Uh, uh, Warden, sir - " Jared attempted to think of something coherent to say.

His eyes narrowed, and he spoke slowly, decisively. "Repeat the last part of what you said."

"Err… 'she almost slit her throat'?" He swallowed hard in anticipation of what was to come.

"Alice, do you care to elaborate?" the Warden said, still addressing them calmly.

"I found her holding a knife to her throat," Alice said simply.

"Val," he turned his gaze to her and she shuddered. "Why… Why do you insist on acting this way?" His voice gained a little volume, the irritation and discontent beginning to come out of hiding. Val impulsively ran her fingers over the long cut across he neck, feeling a sticky warmth. "You just keep… doing things… And I'm finding it hard to comprehend why. You're a good kid, why are you putting me through this?" His earlier calmness was quickly losing ground now.

Val coughed cautiously, not sure if he was really expecting an answer or not.

"Answer me; why?"

She was silent. There were a few things she'd like to say, but given the fact that she was facing a complete and utter psychotic, she was more than a little hesitant.

"I demand an answer! What were you thinking?"

An answer immediately came to her, and although she wasn't sure what to do in this odd situation, she nervously folded her arms behind her back, stood up straight and tried very hard to speak without the panicky stutter.

"Well, I… I was thinking I'd like to be free."

"Ungrateful shrew!" the Warden shouted, pointing an accusing finger at her as he jumped up from his chair. "I do everything I can for you, and you just keep pushing my buttons! If this is the way you would conduct yourself in society, you're better off here, because at some point you'll get yourself in serious trouble with the wrong people and end up in jail, and we all know normal jail doesn't work!"

"What makes you think this does?" Val asked in a genuinely confused tenor.

"Keep up the snide remarks and I'll start treating you like one of the prisoners!"

"Okay, I'm sorry, just calm down, please."

"Calm down? How can I calm down when I've this much coffee and unrefined sugar!" He paused for a moment, seemingly considering what he was going to say. "I want you to get out of my sight until I figure out what to do with you! But first - "

He got up, heading towards the door, and they all moved out of his way. He flung the door open, glanced around and pointed to a prisoner he found suitable. "You – you'll be watching Val 24-7 until I tell you otherwise!"

The inmate, Gary, just stared at him.

"Val, out! Out now!" he shouted, walking huffily back to his desk.

Valerie silently turned to leave, when Alice leaned close and whispered to her, "I'll be coming to see you again _real _soon."

Val tried to ignore the threat as she left the room, finding Gary waiting for her. Without a word, she headed for her quarters, followed by the inmate.

The Warden, still visibly irritated, quickly got down to business. "I want to set Val up with someone to distract her from misbehaving. Jared, Jailbot, you to are to make a list of all suitable inmates, and then narrow it down to one. Get on it now!"

"Yes, sir." Jared really didn't see how this would even remotely help, but he wasn't about to argue.

"Alice, make sure that John character got the message. Feel free to rough him up a bit."

"With pleasure."

When they'd all left and he was alone, the Warden tapped a finger against his chin. "What to do, what to do…" A smile slowly spread across his face as he thought of something. "Ah-ha, yes. That will do just fine."

Meanwhile…

Val and Gary entered her office, and she turned to him, not really sure what to say.

"Uh… Sorry you got roped into this whole thing… I feel bad about that. Let's just say when I was trying to kill myself, I didn't intend to get caught. Anyway, sorry again that you had to get involved. I seem to get everyone around me into trouble…"

He didn't respond except for a slight nod.

"I'm Valerie… By now, you've probably heard about me…"

Again, a nod in reply.

"And you are?"

The bird that was perched on his shoulder, possibly a canary or something of the sort, that wore a constantly eerie facial expression, chirped a reply.

"Ah, Gary. Nice to meet you, Gary, and little bird friend. I like birds, quite a lot, actually… I have a flock of peacocks, though I haven't become too familiar with them yet…"

The 'attack peacock', as the Warden had dubbed him, fanned his vibrant tail and made an odd, shrill sound like it was trying to be intimidating.

"And frankly, that one freaks me out."

The bird chirped something to her.

"Are you sure he's being friendly? He seems like he wants to kill somebody… Well, that's true, you're both birds. No, I'm not implying anything, I'm just stating an opinion. Okay, now that that's cleared up… Gary, would you like to make yourself comfortable? I'm going to take a shower."

The bird chirped.

"Yes, I'm aware he said '24-7'. What's your point?"

The bird continued.

"There is no way in hell you are coming in there with me!"

The bird chirped a bit more animatedly.

"I don't care what logic dictates! Besides, how am I going to commit suicide in the shower?"

The bird answered matter-of-factly.

"Hm, you make a good point, but you're still not coming in, damn it!" she said, adding under her breath, "Weird bird."

As she walked across the room, the bird piped up.

"No! I will not leave the door open!"

-------------

_No, I do not condone suicide – but, in that situation, it's not farfetched to say some people would probably consider that the only solution. _

_Gary and Bird, yes! Somehow I figured they'd get along just fine – and since Bird always seems to be kind of pissy, it leads to a lot of interesting Bird-Val conversations, since Gary doesn't say anything. Not too far into the future, they (including John) get into an interesting – and funny to me, at least – situation that sort of bonds them as a group of good friends, namely because of John's idiocy. In the next chapter, Val goes on a date, there's a part with John that was inspired by my friend telling me about a weird glitch in her copy of "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" and me playing it with the same code – I'm warning you now, it is seriously creepy and weird; yet for some reason, I find it funny – that's all I'm saying about that, the Twins make their first appearance (FINALLY!), aaand… some stuff I'm still working out lol._

_Hope you enjoyed the chapter! If you did, let me know what you think!_


	9. How To Commit SUICIDE!

_Finally, an update. I am sooooo sorry to all my readers for the extremely long delay between the last chapter and this one. At first it was delayed because it took me a while to actually finish the chapter (I am extremely picky about where I end my chapters, and I wasn't satisfied ending it until I got to a certain part), then I just couldn't find time to type such a long chapter. I write this story out by hand (something I haven't done much in years) since I'm not on the computer a lot because it needs to be replaced, so I generally type chapters Friday night before I go to sleep, but I had so much art to work on that I just didn't have time to type so much. Anyway, the next chapter has been almost done for a while now, I'm going to go ahead and finish it now then see if I can type it a hell of a lot sooner than I did this one lol._

_The Twins make their first appearance in this chapter – something I know people have been looking forward to. Granted, it's brief and sort of moronic (in my opinion, anyway), but it sets the stage for them to become more involved in the plot in the near future. The Warden reveals his plot to "get back at" Val for trying to escape, which though it's sort of a retarded concept – not to mention, petty and childish – it does lead to some funny things sometime later on. Plus Val goes on a date hahaha. _

_Also, as a side note, the chapter title is actually the title of a joke story I wrote in 5__th__ grade with a friend – used it 'cause it still makes me laugh when I remember the way we said the title. Enjoy the new chapter!_

--------

Chapter Nine: How To Commit SU-I-CIDE!

Meanwhile…

Jared was trying to figure out how to approach this task. With a prisoner population rivaling that of a medium-sized city, it could take a billion years. He looked at the ten-inch thick stack of papers that listed every inmate in Superjail with dread.

"How are we going to get this done? It's practically impossible."

Jailbot picked up the stack of papers, tossed them in his right side compartment, then produced a single sheet of paper from his left.

"Ah," Jared said, taking the paper from him. "You narrowed it down to… five hundred. Oh well, that's still a start."

He set the list down on his desk. "This will take a while. How should we even approach this?"

There was a lot of noise nearby like a riot breaking out, and Jailbot left to check it out.

"Hm… Guess I'm on my own. Maybe I'll just rest my eyes for a moment before I get started." But as soon as closed his eyes, he dosed off into a deep sleep.

Meanwhile…

The Twins hadn't caused any mischief in a little over twenty-four hours now, and to them, that just wasn't right. It didn't help that so little had really been going on lately, except for the arrival of Val. But that was about to change.

Always on top of everything happening in Superjail, they were aware of Val joining the staff – and the odd plan the Warden had to set her up.

"Ooh, what have we here, a list of inmates," one said.

"Possible courters for the HR lady," the other added.

"Let's set her up on a 'dream date'."

"A date they'll never forget."

They laughed in unison.

A bit later…

Jared shook his head and stretched. "How long was I asleep?"

He looked down at his desk, and saw that the paper he had in front of him had been replaced by another, which only had a single name on it.

"What the…?" Jared had no idea what happened while he was asleep, "Oooookay…"

He glanced at the name. "Ugh, Jacknife? I remember him… Poor Valerie. This can't possibly be right."

"Jared," the Warden said enthusiastically, coming in without warning and giving Jared a massive coronary in the progress. "How's that list coming?"

"Uh… It's done… But - "

"Fantastic! I want you to get everything ready immediately!"

Meanwhile…

Val had gotten back into her clothes and was drying her hair as she came out of the bathroom.

The bird chirped something to her.

"Oh, uh, thanks. I didn't know I was singing that loud…"

She continued to dry her hair in awkward silence until the door opened suddenly.

"Val," the Warden said seriously, but with a smile on his face, "I came to let you know that we've found someone. You'll be having dinner with him tomorrow."

"Fantastic…" Val murmured sarcastically.

"And, as punishment for your last escapade, I've devised a way to show you exactly how I feel. I will set before you a series of tedious, annoying and difficult tasks. And if you don't complete them, things could get pretty ugly." He seemed thrilled at the prospect.

"Uh… Okay…"

"Your first task is to teach the prisoners that you pal around with - "

"I don't really 'pal around with them' per say…"

"AHEM, as I was saying, you'll teach them to play instruments, and not just individually, but as a group. Otherwise…" He trailed off.

"Okay, yes, I'll do that," Val said, a little lost. It didn't help that his threats were always so vague.

"Good. Have fun!" he left with a wave and a grin.

"Uh-huh… That guy is seriously weird…"

Gary and the bird agreed.

A moment later, the door opened again and Val stopped drying her hair, allowing the towel to drape around her neck. "John?"

John stood there nonchalantly, smiling despite the fact that he was badly bruised and battered.

"Oh my God, John, what did they do to you?" Val went over to him without a seconds notice, looking him over.

"Nothing that hasn't happened before," John said like it was nothing.

"Oh, John… you poor guy… Go sit down, I'll be right back."

She went into the bathroom and came back with a wet cloth. She sat down to his right on the lounge, and gently began to clean blood off of his face. "Does it hurt?"

"No, you're enough of a distraction to prevent that," he chuckled.

"Oh, gee, thanks." She rolled her eyes.

"You know, for someone who puts on such a strong front, you're a very caring lady."

She half-laughed. "Some people think I'm crazy, but I have a strong desire to look after everyone around me."

He brushed a lock of brunette hair away from her face and smiled. "We're lucky to have you here."

After a moment of silence, she looked at him. "Aren't you afraid they might catch you in here?"

"Not at all. You're the only person who treats me like a human being. I'm not giving that up."

"Hm, I'm glad you like me so much. I'm not always the model of friendliness."

"I'm sure you have your reasons," he replied.

"You shouldn't stay too long."

"Why? Going somewhere?"

"No, I don't want you to get caught again. I don't want that weighing on my conscience."

"I'm not worried. I'd rather stay here with you."

"But - "

"Nothing would be nicer of you than to let this lonely old reject spend the night with you." Then, for some reason, he felt compelled to quote an Ozzy song, "Each night when the day is through, I don't ask much, I just want you."

They looked at each other for a long time, and then Val looked to Gary. "Would that be okay with you?"

Gary nodded.

"Okay," Val agreed, "But keep your hands to yourself. I'm not a stripper."

He laughed. "Understood."

Early the next morning…

Dawn hadn't broken yet when John stirred. There was a light on in the corner opposite the bathroom, and it cast a very dim glow throughout the room. He glanced at Val, finding her sleeping soundly in his arms. He stroked her head a few times, then gently laid her against the lounge and got to his feet. Gary was sitting on the floor against the nearest wall, keeping watch. John gave him a smile and a wave as he headed for the door.

"See you later, John," Val yawned.

"Later," he said cheerfully, before quietly slipping into the hall.

Val stretched. "God, I really need to eat something." She looked over at Gary. "Gary, how can you possibly be comfortable like that? We need to find you a nice chair, or something."

She stood and looked around. "Come on, you want to have breakfast with me? My cooking is probably better than the food here."

He got up and together they went to the cafeteria.

It was, amazingly, void of the creepy women who worked there, and for that, Val heaved a sigh of relief.

Boy, am I glad those weirdos aren't here… They freak me the hell out. And now I can cook in peace," she said on a happier note.

"What are _you_ doing here again?" someone asked, and they looked to see Gordon Ramsey coming over.

"You're still here??" Val asked, "What the hell, man, do you live in here?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. I've been living in the cabinet under the sink."

"Please tell me that's a joke."

"No, it's not."

"O~kay…" Val turned away slowly, "Uh, I've got to do some cooking now, so - "

"Splendid! Let's get started," Ramsey said.

She stood there and stared at the experienced chef. "Uh… You're not going to totally freak out on me, are you?"

"No, of course not."

A little while later…

"No, no, NO! What the bloody hell are you doing?!" Chef Ramsey shouted.

"You said you weren't going to get all crazy!" Val snapped back at him.

"Well, then start doing it right!"

"What am I even doing wrong? It's cooking, not rocket science! It doesn't need to be perfect as long as it's edible and tastes good!"

"What are you talking about, you culinary-dumb loudmouth!"

"I'm a loudmouth? You're the one who picked a fight with me, you limey son of a bitch!"

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!"

Then Gary put an end to the argument by hitting Chef Ramsey in the head with a frying pan and knocking him out cold.

"Hm, that may have been a little excessive, but thank you, anyway." Val gave him a smile and he responded with a satisfied nod. "Hope you don't mind, I went a little French countryside farmer and made soup for breakfast."

He seemed pleased with that. The bird replied.

"No, I didn't use anything made of or by a bird. Do you think I'm that insensitive?"

The bird glared at her.

"Okay, okay, sorry about the tone. Here, I made you some fruit bread."

The bird didn't seem impressed, and chirped in a faintly sardonic tone.

"It's not fruitcake, that crap is disgusting. It's fruit _bread_, there's a difference. What's in it? Well, whatever I could find. What specifically? Bananas, oranges, berries… Alright, instead of 'fruit bread', I'll call it 'banana-orange-berry bread'. There, ya happy now?"

The bird appeared to be amused by her reaction.

"Can we eat now? The last thing I ingested was liquor, and that was a _long_ time ago."

Gary nodded and the bird agreed.

They took a seat at a table that appeared to be a relic from when the Warden's father was still in charge. In its old, faded surface, hundreds of people had etched and carved messages to future occupants, many with crude penmanship or spelling, but legible enough to be understood. Val glanced over some of them as she sipped soup from her spoon.

Her eyes came to rest upon a single entry of notable, but not overly large size, relatively neat and engraved into the wood with a black pen.

"I was here," she read aloud with a smile, rolling her eyes. "Can't beat a classic. Makes you wonder what happened to him, doesn't it?"

The bird replied.

"'Not particularly'? Jeez, you have no sense of compassion, do you? When someone writes 'I was here', they want to be remembered."

The bird didn't seem terribly enthusiastic about it.

"Hmm…" she said to herself, "I wonder if anyone back home is wondering about me…"

She shook her head, trying to dispel the depressing thoughts, although it didn't help trying to ignore them. The realization that she may never make it home had taken up residence in the very pit of her soul, working its way into the fiber or her being. She could feel it eating away at her little by little, like acid dripping from a higher surface onto something below.

The bird tried to lighten the mood, evidently aware of Val's inner workings.

"I beg your pardon? 'When are John and I going to make a baby'?? What the fuck are you talking about?"

The bird answered matter-of-factly.

"Okay, it is _not_ obvious there's something going on, because there is _not _anything going on. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the rainbow-loving idiot – we're not involved, and we're not going to be. There's only one person I have any interest in at all, and he's the only one I want. I won't settle for less."

The bird gave her a funny look and chirped.

"We, um, couldn't seem to come to an arrangement. For a while he seemed like he'd commit to being together, but he chickened out. Okay, okay, instead of saying 'chickened out', I'll say 'he backed out', yeesh. Why? Well, I don't know… He didn't even give me a chance."

The bird replied with a single chirp.

"He is _not_ a loser. Now can we please get off the subject? I'm getting uncomfortable."

Val crossed her arms on the table and rested her chin on them, looking at the wall idly. Of all the things she missed, this one person was a big one.

Later that day…

Val was sitting in her quarters, entertaining random ideas as they came to her.

"Ways to commit suicide," she said out loud, "Huh… well, throat-slitting is out."

The bird chirped.

"Nah, wrist-slashing is too cliché. Besides, I don't think I'd want to wait that long – I'd have better luck chopping my hands off."

The bird agreed.

"'Then do it'? How would I chop both my hands off? I'd need some way of chopping the other one off after the first, duh. I said it first? Well, yeah, but it wasn't a serious suggestion."

The bird snorted tetchily.

Val continued to brainstorm. "I don't want to drown. Falling would be bad…"

The door opened suddenly and John slipped in. "Hey, dollface, whatcha doing?"

"What is this, the '50s? I told you not to call me that. And I'm thinking up ways to kill myself."

He frowned, then said helpfully, "What about decapitation?"

"I don't know how I'd pull that off even."

The bird answered.

"We're not having that discussion again., it's a stupid idea. Hey… Maybe I should taunt Alice into killing me."

"You don't want to do that." John shook his head.

"Uh, given the circumstances, I think I do," Val answered snidely.

"No, I mean that's not a good way to commit suicide – since it's you, she'd probably resort to torture before killing… Not that I'm for you committing suicide, or anything."

"Well, thank you, John, it's nice to know that at least someone in this room doesn't have a laissez-faire attitude about how much I'd rather kill myself than be here." She gave the bird a dirty look.

The bird seemed slightly amused, if not partly irritated, whistling a reply.

"'I'm the one who started it'? Well, you didn't have to keep giving me ideas."

"Okay, alright, calm down, girls. No need for an argument," John said, and Gary nodded in agreement.

"We weren't arguing, we were debating."

"Isn't that practically the same thing?"

"John, seriously – shut up. Shouldn't we be figuring out how to break a group of ten out of this hellhole?"

"Ten? I thought it was eight."

"Yeah – But I also want to bring Gary and Bird." She smiled, pointing to them.

"Hm, I really haven't had any ideas on how to break out, let alone a group of that many people. I suppose we could always - " He was interrupted when the door opened and Alice came in, cracking her knuckles intimidatingly.

Gary and the bird weren't fazed, but Val and John took on a whole new demeanor in her presence, becoming rather timid in appearance.

"Thought I'd find you here, scumbag," Alice said gruffly, crossing her arms and glaring at the couple.

"Uh, are you talking to me or him?" Val asked.

"Shut up, spaz."

"Answered my question," she murmured sarcastically.

"The Warden has ordered that you be put in isolation," Alice explained, approaching John, who took a step back when she got too close for comfort. Alice grabbed him by the shirt and yanked him close enough that their noses were barely more than a centimeter apart. "You do _not _back away from me."

She shoved him hard enough that he almost fell backwards.

"What did I do?" he asked in an attempt to divert her attention from getting violent, speculating that this was just because the Warden didn't like him.

"You know what you did, now shut it before I rip your vocal cords out and make you wear them as a bowtie."

John swallowed uncomfortably.

Alice took hold of a black garment she had draped over her right shoulder, shoving it into John's hands. It was a gimp suit.

"Suit up, pretty boy. It's time to play," Alice said with a sinister sort of amusement, heading towards the door.

John looked genuinely frightened at this point.

"I am so sorry, John," Val said in a sympathetic tone, and he patted her on the head.

"I'll be fine… I hope."

"Don't get any funny ideas from this, okay? This is purely friendly." She leaned close to him, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "For luck, just in case."

"That made me feel better," he said with a smile, "For the moment, anyway." He glanced at Alice, who was waiting impatiently in the doorway.

"I'll try to get you out of solitary."

"No, no, don't get yourself in hot water. Just wait for me. This will all be worth it to see you smile again."

"Do you flirt with all your female friends?" she chuckled lightly.

"No. You're special."

The bird chirped to Gary in a sardonic tone, 'And she says there's nothing going on?'

"Come on, asshole, you've had enough time to say goodbye to your tramp," Alice said, coming back over and almost throwing him in the direction of the door.

John and Val waved to each other before he exited the room with Alice and the door slammed shut.

"Poor John. I hope he'll be alright…" she said worriedly, then taking on a confused expression. "Did Alice call me a tramp?"

The bird seemed to find that funny.

"Yeah, laugh it up."

That's when the door opened again, and Jared stepped in., carrying something frilly and pastel purple.

"Valerie, the Warden told me to help you get ready for your… Uh… 'date'."

"Oh God, why me?" Val muttered, running a hand down her face.

"It's not that bad. It will all be over before you know it," Jared reassured, even though he didn't really believe that 'it wasn't that bad'.

"I doubt that," she said.

"Come on, just get it over with. When it's over, you won't have to worry about it anymore."

"Okay, fine," she groaned, like she really had a choice in the matter.

"This is what the Warden wants you to wear." He handed her the dress that he'd previously been nearly drowning in.

Raising an eyebrow, she looked at it funny and held it up. "What the fuck is this thing?"

"There's also these." He handed her opera gloves and a pair of stilettos.

"Okay, I can deal with the deep purple opera gloves, but the stilettos are a bit much."

"It's only for an hour and a half, Valerie."

The bird piped up, chirping in agreement.

"I swear, I am about to take this shoe and jam the heel right into my aorta," she grumbled, heading to the bathroom to change.

A couple of minutes later…

"I look like a purple doily."

"Not at all. You look very… pretty."

The bird snickered in a way only a bird could.

"Come on, we have to go now. We're supposed to be there in five minutes!" Jared said, getting antsy.

She followed him to the door, pausing to turn to Gary with an unenthusiastic expression. "Is there any way at all that you could get me out of this?"

He shook his head with an amused smile and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Thank you for the vote of confidence."

Val walked along behind Jared, hearing snickering from passersby and an occasional murmur or snide remark.

"Nice dress, princess," someone commented, and Val crossed her arms irritably.

"I want to die. Now."

"Just ignore them, you look fine," Jared assured her.

"I look like I traveled to the future from a completely blind Victorian-era town," she grumbled.

"This is it," he said suddenly, leading her into what appeared to be some kind of sitting room.

"Kinda homey," she said, surprised such a place could be in this hellhole.

"Ah, there you are!" the Warden said, overly excited. "Val, don't you look scrumptious!"

Val shuddered. "Hearing you say that made me feel very violated."

"Oh nonsense; come here, Val, and say hello to your date!"

Jailbot came in from the next room over, throwing Jacknife halfway across the room so that he landed in a heap on the floor at the Warden's feet.

"Oh my God, you have to be kidding me," Val groaned, "There is no possible way this can be happening."

"Between you and me, I have no idea how this arrangement came about, unless it was the Twins," Jared whispered to her, like that would make her feel better.

"Who the hell are the - " she was about to ask, when she was cut off.

"Aww, you two look so cute together!" the Warden said cheerfully. "Val, Jacknife; Jacknife, Val."

Val raised an eyebrow, looking Jacknife over. "Why did you dress him like Buddy Holly?"

"I figured that was more your type," the Warden explained with a grin.

"Uh, my 'type' would be more like a nerd… Not a drug-addict dressed like a nerd."

"You'll get along just fine," he said, and the two glared at each other.

"Unless I decide to stab him to death," she said under her breath as the group moved towards the French doors to their left.

The view through the glass was obstructed by long lavender curtains that, when the doors were thrown open, caught the gentle breeze and flowed outward.

"Welcome to the Garden of Perpetual Twilight," the Warden said.

The sun, it seemed, had dropped below the horizon, the sky casting a dim blue aura over everything in sight. A garden stretched out before them, both beautiful and eerie at the same time. Low hedges framed a maze that zigzagged around a strange assortment of plants, many of which, Val had never seen together – morning glories, moonvines, delphiniums, bleeding hearts, lilies of every variation, foxglove, lupines, tulips, snapdragons, bluebells, Chinese lantern, and so many others, all of which seemed to glow dimly in the closing darkness. Hidden almost out of sight beneath the hedges and flowers were twisted brambles protecting small black berries, prickly arched branches occasionally breaching from the cover of the flowers, framed by blue sky. Fireflies were the only thing illuminating the garden in the darkness, twinkling like stars.

"Hm, pretty," Val said, "I half expected to see corpse flowers, or something."

"Oh, we have corpse flowers, but they've been slightly genetically altered, so they have to be kept under lock and key." The Warden seemed to find that entertaining.

Val looked highly disturbed. "This place comes to scare me more and more all the time."

"Come, sit," he said happily, ushering Val and Jacknife over to a relatively small, circular table lit by candlelight and adorned with a long, white table cloth.

The two reluctantly seated themselves, avoiding even looking at each other.

The Warden turned to Jared. "Did you study the music I told you to?"

"Yes, sir," Jared replied, motioning to a keyboard he's set up near the table earlier.

"Excellent," the Warden clapped his hands together with a sinister smile, "Now I feel the time is right. Love will flow like wine tonight."

--------

_Remember back when I mentioned that John was going to have a little misadventure soon, where some crazy stuff happened? Well, that comes up in the next chapter. Isolation in Superjail – especially in John's case - isn't anything like isolation in conventional prison. And I know some of you were wondering when the scene with the axe I illustrated is coming up – that's also in the next chapter lol. A lot happens in chapter ten, but I can't give away anymore of it._

_And a side note – the Garden of Perpetual Twilight concept (as in, a garden where it's always twilight) is loosely based on a short "Watership Down" story by Richard Adams about the Land of Perpetual Darkness, where it's always night – that story really creeps me out lmao._

_Hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'll try to update much sooner this time. ^^ _


	10. Come On, Let's Get High

_OMFG I FINALLY GOT THIS DAMN CHAPTER TYPED UP!… after like a year lol. But yes, finally an update! Hopefully it won't take me so long to update it again… after all, I do have part of the next chapter written._

_Anyway, people have been asking me to update this since… well, since I last updated it xD. Understandably so, because this chapter starts a couple of anticipated subplots – Val trying to kill the Warden, and Val getting the hell out of Superjail. And now you finally get to read all about it lol._

_Oh, and the chapter title is taken from Franz Ferdinand's "Ulysses" – that song works surprisingly well with this chapter xDD._

Chapter Ten: Come On, Let's Get High

When Jared and the Warden joined the two in the garden, Jacknife was looking at Val with a rather bemused expression while she stabbed a fork into the table repeatedly and muttered 'serenity now' through clenched teeth.

"We've prepared some music to set the mood," the Warden announced, and Val jammed the fork into the table so hard that everything on it moved a few centimeters from it's original position.

"Jacknife," she said, "You'd be doing me the biggest favor in the world if you took this butter knife, slid it into my eye socket, broke the back of my orbital cavity and diced my frontal lobe."

He gave her a look like she'd just been speaking Latin and she downed her glass of white wine in one shot.

"SERENITY NOW!" she shouted, starting to laugh for no apparent reason afterwards, "I hate my life."

"Come now, Val, you're scaring your date," the Warden said, leaning close to her. Jacknife seemed more bored than disturbed. "Why don't you smile for him?"

"I'd rather die."

"Okay then, sour grapes. Jacknife, why don't you give Val a nice smile?"

He just sat there, until the Warden prodded him with his walking stick, and Jacknife barely made an attempt.

"Stop it, you look like Skeletor," Val said, and they exchanged glares.

"Maybe some music will improve your moods," the Warden said, cueing Jared to start playing the keyboard.

"Hm, for an accountant he's pretty good," Val said, trying to distract herself from the idea of stabbing herself in the head.

"Come on, Val, move a little closer," the Warden started singing, motioning to Jacknife.

"Uh, no," Val replied flatly.

"'Cause you're too shy, shy. Hush, hush, eye-to-eye," the Warden continued singing and Val slammed her head into the table.

"I am never listening to that song again… Oh well, at least he's not singing 'Sex Bomb'," Val murmured.

"Did I just get a request?" the Warden asked, and Val quickly picked up her head and shook her hands wildly.

"NO!"

"Okay then, how about this little number/"

Jared started playing another song, and the Warden started doing what could loosely be described as a dance.

"Looooove comes down upon us until you flow like water, frooooozen with the hope of insight. Feeeeeathered - " he made a hand sign of flapping wings.

Jacknife raised an eyebrow, while Val looked seriously unimpressed. "Your choreography is as bad as your version of this song."

" – with a bright elation, stooooolen in the sight of love - "

Val rolled her eyes. "Someone shoot me."

" – Fighting our way around indecision. We are, we are ever helpless. Take us forever, a whisper to a scream."

"Can you stop singing this song? I'm about to go deaf," Val grumbled.

The Warden didn't seem to notice the remark. He had taken out a rather odd-looking pocket watch that seemed to be carved from bone, with a fob of strung human teeth, and was observing the two very twisted hands pointing to strange symbols.

Val and Jacknife glanced at it, and then looked at each other in a rather disturbed manner.

"I have to go see to something for a moment, but I'll be back in a jiff," he said happily, closing the watch with a click and re-pocketing it. "Jailbot will stay here and keep an eye on you while Jared keeps playing. Ta-ta!"

When he had left, Val sighed. "Well, at least that's over for a second. What a fucking psycho."

Then she caught a glimpse of the displeasured look Jailbot was giving her. "Uh… I was referring to Jacknife here."

Jacknife frowned.

They sat in silence for a while, Val twiddling her fingers while Jared started playing Gary Newman's "Cars". Finally, Val got a bit too bored.

"Jailbot, do you have a pen?"

He happily handed her one, and she started doodling on her napkin. After having penned a couple of random designs, she wrote a note and passed it to Jacknife to avoid getting on Jailbot's bad side by saying aloud what was on her mind.

'This place is seriously fucked up.'

He looked at it rather blankly, then took the pen in hand and sloppily scrawled a reply.

She looked at it, raising her eyebrows and reading it out loud. "'Yu an't sine nuttin yeet'? God, man, did you ever get past first grade? I assume this is retard-speak for 'you ain't seen nothing yet'?"

He nodded with a grunt.

"Okay, Bachman Turner Overdrive, what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

He scrawled some more.

"Atarnat deemenshun? I have no idea what – oh wait, is that 'alternate dimension'?"

He nodded.

"What is this? The Twilight Zone?"

He growled irritably, and proceeded to try explaining.

Meanwhile…

After spending a highly unpleasant stint of time with Alice, John was relieved to be away from her – although he had no clue where he even was at this point.

She had thrown him in a large room after she got 'bored' with their "playtime" that was like some sort of indoor jungle. He looked around at his surroundings with a sense of caution.

There was suddenly some microphone feedback nearby, and he looked up to his left to see the Warden and Alice looking down at him through an observation window some twenty feet above ground level.

"Hello, John," the Warden addressed him sinisterly through the microphone, "Welcome to Solitary Confinement, a world in of itself of unspeakable horrors."

He laughed, and John has a strong, sick feeling start to well up in his chest.

"I set this up just for you," he said, opening a pneumatic steel door about eighteen yards from John. Men in fur coats and scantily clad women in fishnet tights started to pour out slowly, dragging their feet listlessly like zombies.

"These pimps and prostitutes will be your companions for a few hours. They're either diabetics with low blood sugar or nymphomaniacs who haven't had sex in a long time. Or possibly a combination of both – I really don't remember anymore. You can piece it together. And while you do, I'm going to serenade you."

John ran a hand down his face in sheer disbelief of what was happening. "Why did I have to go and commit murder?"

"Also, I should mention, you and your companions are not exactly alone. This jungle is inhabited by the one beast that has always hunted man, even after he ascended to the top of the food chain. Have fun with that!"

John really wished he could shoot himself right now.

The Warden cleared his throat and popped in a cassette labeled 'Mix Tape: Funny Torture Mix'.

The pimps and hoes were making their way towards John, looking both sickly and seriously randy. They were still sauntering along at an incredibly slow pace, though, and he had to question whether they were really any threat to him at all.

An easily recognizable guitar riff began to play over the PA system, and the Warden began singing his rendition of Franz Ferdinand's "Ulysses".

"While I sit I hear sentimental footsteps, then a voice says 'hi, so, whatcha got, whatcha got this time? C'mon, let's get high. C'mon, Lexx, oh, whatcha got next? Oh, you walk twenty-five miles, oh. Well, I'm bored; yes, I'm bored. C'mon let's get high! Well, I found a new way, well, I found a new way. C'mon, don't amuse me, don't need your sympathy. La la-la-la-la Ulysses. I found a new way, well, I found a new way, baby."

John was a little busy remembering at the moment that hypoglycemia causes extremely violent behavior in people with it, as the hoes and pimps decided they wanted to try to claw him to death, when the Warden decided to ask him, "How are you doing in there, John?"

John didn't answer, obviously, since he was engaged in shoving slutty women away from him to run into the jungle before him, in an attempt to lose the group of psychos. What he wasn't counting on was running straight into a tiger…

"Fuck!" he shouted, getting pretty annoyed with the situation.

"What's wrong, man?" the tiger asked in a mellow voice.

John stared at it. Granted, this shouldn't have bothered him, considering the other bizarre stuff that happened here, but he was rather bewildered. "Um… did you just talk to me?"

"No duh, idiot. Who else is here?"

"Oooookay," he replied, barely comprehending what the hell was going on. "

"So, you gonna tell me what's wrong?"

"Uh, yeah, I'm about to be killed by a bunch of people, for no apparent reason."

"Hm, that sucks," the tiger replied, scratching his chin thoughtfully. "I got some friends nearby who might be able to help."

He led the man through the jungle to a gathering of tigers, sitting around in a circle laughing hysterically at nothing.

"Hey," he said to them, and they almost didn't notice his arrival. "I have something for you to do."

"Whaddya mean?" one asked, "We're already doing something… Dropping some X."

They collectively bust out laughing again, and it was pretty obvious to John they'd recently been hitting from the bongs that were scattered all around the clearing.

"Nah, c'mon, we gotta go. There's some people hanging around, we gotta eat 'em."

"What about him?" another asked, motioning to John with a paw. "He's people. Why don't we just eat him?"

"That wouldn't be cool, man. He needs our help."

"Yeah, yeah, okay. I got the munchies, anyway. Then maybe he can pass the bong with us!"

The tigers collectively agreed, and John just wondered what the fuck was up with this place.

Satisfied with the scene unfolding before him, the Warden continued his song. "Am I Ulysses? Am I Ulysses? No, but you are now, boy. You're so sinister, you're so sinister, but last night was wild. Well, what's the matter there? Feeling kinda anxious? Feeling that hot blood grow cold? Yeah, everyone and everybody knows it. Yeah, everyone and everybody knows it, everybody knows I – la la-la-la-la Ulysses. Well, I found a new way, well, I found a new way, baby. Oh, then suddenly you know you're never going home…"

Later…

After having disappeared for a while, the Warden returned to the garden to sing for Val and Jacknife for yet another two hours, while Val resisted the temptation to drown herself in her bowl of soup. When he finally excused them from the table, Val exited the garden in quite a hurry, heaving a sigh of relief as she got into the corridor, heading back to her quarters. "That was the longest night of my life," she said, shaking her head.

Weary from the overkill at dinner and Jacknife's LSD-induced-sounding explanation of the strange things that tended to occur at Superjail, she couldn't have been gladder to step into her office and let the door close heavily behind her. That is, until she saw John, who was sitting on the edge of the chaise lounge, with Gary stitching a gash on his forehead.

"Jesus H. Christ, what the fuck happened to you, man?" Val said, her tone sounding like a cross between horror and surprise.

Gary tied the tread and held it tight while Bird snipped it with her beak.

"Not much," John replied casually, getting up and shuffling over to her. "I was attacked by hypoglycemic pimps and hoes, and then got into a ill-fated game of 'bong football' with a group of drug-using tigers."

She raised an eyebrow, obviously not following him at all. "Um, okay." After a moment of looking him over, she gathered her thoughts. "God, what on Earth happened down there? You're all bloody!"

"Well, never get locked up with hypoglycemic nymphos."

"Oh, John," she sighed, not impressed with his cool attitude towards the situation. She wanted to give him a hug, but she was afraid to, considering he appeared to be in pretty bad shape. "I can't believe they did this to you."

He smiled. "You're such a caring gal. You don't belong here."

"No, _no one_ belongs here. We have to get out of this place."

"We will. Someday."

"I won't stand for this anymore," she said decidedly. "Come on, we're having a meeting."

"Uh, what?"

Without answering, Val took John by the hand and pulled him out the door. They walked down to the Warden's office, meeting Jared just outside.

He didn't need to know what was on her mind to have an idea where this was going. "Valerie, I don't think it's wise to - "

She drug John inside, summoning her most authorative tone. "Warden," she said, "This man is _my_ bitch."

"What do you mean, 'bitch'?" John said, offended to some extent.

"Shut up, John," she answered, and he let it go. "He's my friend and my right-hand man. I won't have you, or anyone else, treat him like dirt anymore."

"Valerie," both the Warden and Jared said in unison.

"No, I've heard enough of your reverse-logic; I don't care what you think of him, he's sticking with me."

The Warden seemed unmoved, but passive. "Fine, but I maintain the right to do what I see fit."

"Yeah, you'll see fit to leave him alone," she said nastily, leading John back out of the room.

When they'd gone back down the corridor, Jared spoke. "You took that quite well, sir."

"I'll have to think of something, Jared," he said, and though Jared had no idea what he was thinking, he agreed.

Val led John back to her quarters, where she had him lay down on the chaise lounge and covered him with a blanket. "You get some rest, John. I'll be back in a bit."

"Where are you going?"

"To find something to drink. I'll be back, you just rest. Gary will look after you, right, Gary?"

He nodded a yes.

"Sleep well, John. I'm going to make sure no one so much as touches you again."

He didn't reply, just closed his eyes and got comfortable. She gave Gary a fatigued look. "Take good care of him while I'm out."

He smiled and patted her on the shoulder reassuringly.

She turned to the door, exiting without another word, and walking off down the corridor.

Val recalled hearing something about a bar the Warden had built that got washed out and they abandoned it. There was probably some liquor there somewhere that she could salvage.

She entered Superbar, not surprised by the bar stools littering the floor, along with rotting sea creature corpses.

Picking up the cleanest bar stool she could find, she set it upright, grabbing whatever bottles hadn't been destroyed by the tidal wave of water that nearly drowned everyone, and sat down.

"Ooh, absinthe, hoorah," she said unenthusiastically, deciding to down what was left in the bottle.

"Hey, hey, drink me next," one of the bottles said, and she barely reacted.

"A talking bottle of liquor, how quaint," she muttered, drinking it like it had asked. "It's too quiet in here."

Suddenly the liquor bottles she had lined up on the bar began to sing together. "Wine is fine, but whiskey's quicker. Suicide is slow with liquor. Take a bottle, drown your sorrows, then it floods away tomorrows."

She downed another bottle, starting to feel pretty good.

About half an hour later, Val was swaying back and forth on the bar stool, singing an Alice in Chains song.

"I feel so alone, gonna end up a big ol' pile of them bones."

"Why are you moping about?" came a familiar voice, and she turned with a start.

The Warden's father gave her a discerning look. "Well?"

"What do you mean? You're a ghost, you know everything," she laughed drunkenly.

"I'm not omniscient," he replied in an aggravated tone. "What are you doing getting inebriated? You should be doing something about that moronic son of mine."

"Like what?" she asked stupidly, "And why?"

"You want to leave, don't you? Why don't you get him out of the picture, huh?"

"Hmm," she said, "I dunno."

"Come now, you know you want to. It will be easy, just take this axe."

"Uh… Okay?" Val said, taking the axe and going to stand… but falling face-first into the floor.

"You may want to take this pot of coffee and drink it first."

A little while later…

It was amazing how much a pot of black coffee and the thought of killing someone can sober you up. Val, now nearly back to normal, walked through the hallway with the axe over her shoulder and a candle in her hand. The Warden's father had given her directions to his living quarters, and she was slowly making her way there now.

Although she didn't believe in killing anyone for any reason, the Warden's father had made a valid point. Maybe killing him _was_ the only way out.

When she found the door, she carefully opened it and crept inside, the candle illuminating the walls eerily as she passed. She came to the end of his bed, pausing to make sure he was asleep, then walking up alongside. She set the candle down, watching for any reaction, then slowly wrapped her hands around the handle of the axe.

The Warden was dead asleep, a smile on his face as he lay there peacefully.

Val looked at him for a long time, then began to raise the axe. The blade glimmered in the candlelight, and she could feel the sudden heaviness in the air, her adrenaline beginning to pump… She was really about to kill someone…

Val was about to let the blade drop, taking a deep breath and becoming increasingly aware of the forces of gravity at work, as the axe began to feel heavier.

This was it…

"I can't do it," Val said aloud, lowering the axe, "I can't kill someone."

"Val? What are you doing here?" the Warden asked, sleepily rolling over to face her.

Startled beyond belief, Val dropped the axe, nearly falling backwards she was so startled.

"Uh, uh – I was, uh – after a, um, rat! A big, old, ugly rat! It ran into your room and I came in to kill it," she hoped that excuse actually made sense.

"Val, you didn't have to do that – Jailbot will take care of it," he chuckled, too asleep to be disturbed by the idea of a rat in his room. "Silly Val."

"Oh, okay. Guess I'll be going then." She grabbed the candle and axe, and quickly started for the door nervously.

"And, Val?"

Val nearly dropped the candle she was so nervous. "Yes?"

"Good night."

"Good night," she replied, darting out the door and leaning against it heavily when it closed. "God, what was I thinking?"

The next day…

Even though John had quite the ordeal the night before, he insisted the three of them – and Bird – go somewhere they could truly be alone and relax. Gary and Val had reluctantly agreed, wondering whether he was really up to it. They'd walked around a bit, trying to decide where to go, when John suggested they head to the meadow Val had described to him once, with the carnivorous sheep, suggesting the rowboat would be a nice place to hang out. They'd agreed, against their better judgement, and headed to the meadow. The sheepzilla showed little interest today in the prey passing through their meadow, seeing as they were chowing down on what appeared to have been a cow and John was jumping around, acting like a giddy psycho despite his injuries. They boarded the rowboat, pushing off from the shore, lounging lazily in the sunshine, talking about the night before.

"I don't know what I was doing. I must have been out of my mind," Val said, shaking her head. "I mean, I hate the guy, but I still don't want to kill him. Now I'm worried about running into that ghost again; he talked me into it."

"Well, I know one thing: I never want to hear 'Ulysses' again," John said, apparently very comfortable in the boat, stretched out with his arms behind his head and his eyes closed.

"I can't believe they did that to you. I'm so sorry, John," Val said miserably and John shook his head.

"I'm fine now. Let's just focus on this nice, sunny afternoon."

"If you say so," Val said. "But I can't help but think he was right… what if that's the only way out, having to kill them?"

"Alice would be the biggest problem," John said casually. "Don't worry about it, Val. Try to relax. We came out here to get away from our troubles, right?"

"Yeah, I guess," she answered.

"We'll find a way out," he said.

Then a massive Orca whale came up out of the water and swallowed the boat whole.

_SERENITY NOW! – LOL that is definitely one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes ever xDD._

_Don't even ask me what the hell was up with solitary confinement; I really have nooo idea what the hell I was originally going for with that, although it was inspired by the Gimp code from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas… how I got that out of hordes of hookers propositioning one man for sex is beyond me lolol. I also don't remember what inspired me to use "Ulysses", either… I wrote this so long ago, I don't know anymore xD._

_And, now all of you who wondered what was up with the illustration of Val with the axe, now you know lol._

_Well, that's it for now. Let me know whatcha think!_


End file.
